There is no way that I would have ever guessed that the last year would change my life and outlook on life so drastically. Adjectives have not been created yet that would sufficiently describe the emotions that have taken over my head, heart and soul.
For a brief history, my daughter died in my arms and then came back to life. The fact that she was walking and talking should have been enough to reassure me that everything would be fine, however, it did not help me to feel better. Alyssa struggled with having an eight minute short term memory while I fought PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). We clung tightly to each other and for many months afterwards, found the most comfort from just being with each other.
PTSD has made working outside the home extremely difficult. My boss was less than understanding. Actually, I do not think he even cared that my daughter died, lived or suffered. I am sure that my trauma did not matter and rather than giving me the time off and directing me to people who could help me, he made my employment a nightmare.
I have found that people simply do not understand the full effect of this trauma induced disorder. The person suffering the devastating symptoms of PTSD not only doesn't know how to help themselves, but also has no idea how to ask for help. The flashbacks of holding my daughter's lifeless and gray skinned body flashed before my eyes every waking moment.
Every. Waking. Moment.
Needless to say, concentrating on current tasks was extremely difficult and remembering things I had experienced the day before was almost impossible.
While deep in the agony of PTSD, my father passed away - died and left this earth because cancer ravaged his body. That unexpected life event added to my PTSD symptoms.
Shortly thereafter, Alyssa's puppy had emergency surgery which threw Alyssa and I into a panic again. By this time, all my comforting skills had pretty much disappeared, so all I could do was hold her as only mothers can do.
My PTSD symptoms continued in full force, however, Alyssa started to get back her ability to remember. Then my mother's back started hurting and the first thought was that she had a dreaded disease like cancer. The thought of losing my mother, took me deeper over the edge.
Of course, I can't leave out that my car's transmission decided to quit working and my computer runs properly maybe fifteen percent of the time. Electronic and mechanical problems will happen, but did they have to happen at this time of my life?
I also switched over to my own domain, bought my own hosting company and decided to build a better running blog. Since I am an intelligent woman, I thought that learning something would help calm my PTSD symptoms to a more manageable level. Plus, I would learn new skills and have a blog that was crawled by spiders in lightening speed while offering my readers a huge range of options.
The depression and symptoms of the debilitating disorder continued while I tried to find the energy and brain power to function.
It has been almost impossible and extremely painful.
Blogging helped me hang onto my intelligence...barely.
My belief that God would disapprove greatly if I committed suicide saved me from taking my own life...barely. I truly knew how my friend, Margaret, felt so long ago.
I have felt very alone.
In many ways I have been very, very alone to suffer with the PTSD demons that have sought to destroy me. The war has been constant, exhausting me of every ounce of strength.
This week the flashbacks have subsided to about three a day instead of over one thousand times a day. A mental, physical and emotional burden has been lifted helping me to have the power to think more normally now.
Is it all over? No, however, my mind has taken a huge healing step to put the trauma of these life events "away" where they belong.
Do I have further to go? Yes, but I actually see and feel light at the end of the black tunnel now. I can make it. I can do this and life can be happy again.
So I plan to put my energy into finishing my blog redesign this weekend and having someone help me move my blog maybe next weekend. I am excited to have such a dramatic change to a new format where I learned, made huge coding changes and accomplished it with a diminished capacity. I am also a bit trepidatious at having everyone see it. Is that too silly? I think I have lost a big chunk of my self-confidence that only time can bring back.
If you pray and believe in a living God, I ask that you pray for my continued healing and ability to cope with the symptoms that remain with the PTSD. I will NEVER be able to convey how your kind words in emails, tweets or comments on my blog, Facebook or community have helped me make it through one more minute of a hellish existence. I know that many of you have and do pray for me, so let me thank you sincerely from the bottom of my still raw and wounded heart.
I hesitate to let you see this much of me and my vulnerabilities, but if I can help anyone suffering from the same agony, then it is worth the transparencies of my soul.
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