Once Upon A Time He Said He Loved Me - Why Women Believe

I can look at my marriage relationships in two ways: I'm either a two time loser or I've tried two times to find a compatible partner. I vacillate between both thoughts and it just depends on the day and my mood, but most of the time I think I stand somewhere in the middle. Marriage taught me so many things about myself and even more about men. I can tell you something that I am unequivocally sure of and that is men and women are EXTREMELY different beings!

The History For Most Women

It all starts with "Once upon a time..." and ends with "And they lived happily ever after."

That is such a loaded sentence. Fairy tales are simply nice stories that brainwash little girls to think that a guy will swoop them off their feet, completely respect them, never hurt their feelings, totally take care of all their physical and emotional needs, have plenty of money so there will never be a financial worry, protect her from all evil people, be absolutely the most gorgeous man that walked the planet AND their whole life will be as happy as the wedding day.

Oh goodness! Somebody point me to the bathroom so I can throw up.

Before I go any further, I have to confess that I read the fairy tales to Brittany and Alyssa, so I did my part in the brainwashing scheme. I'm sorry, but I'm here now to try and undo some of the damage I have done.

Talking - Communication - Chatter - Language

Twitter helped me come up with my manly communication epiphany (the perfect way to talk to men) and the Magnificent Seven at lunch continue to expand my knowledge on the numerous differences between men and women. No, I didn't come up with that name for them - they have named themselves. (rolling eyes)

I can write until my eyes bug out and my fingers cramp, but I cannot continually talk day after day after day. In all honesty, if I talk too much in one day my voice goes hoarse. I just don't use my vocal chords that much I guess. So, although I can write a billion words without stopping, I am not a chatter-box in the flesh. That is why I have lunch with the Magnificent Seven. They talk, but it is not a constant chatter about a billion things. I need some peace in order for my food to digest! The men also do not talk all at the same time or try to talk over each other. Of course, their topics are very different than when a group of women get together too.

If you watch them, the scene is something like this: They will take a bite of their food, chew, say a sentence, laugh, take another bite, laugh and then there is silence until someone else finally thinks of something to say. The subjects of discussion include such things as motorcycles, cars, trucks, house repairs, stereo speakers, lawn care, television shows, movies, hunting, politics, aggravating things their wives and children do, vacation plans, restaurants, food and electronics of all kinds.

They laugh a lot.

A lot.

Sometimes they are so into being men that I totally do not understand why something is funny, so they have to explain it to me. Somehow that always causes more laughter, but I'm just glad they take the time to explain it! Usually by the time I finally "get it," I am once again squarely reminded that our genders are so very different.

I think one of the most important things I have learned is that on average, men have simple wants and desires. Men are basic. It is easy to understand men because they just "say" what they are thinking and/or feeling. They also live in the now - peacefully and without a bunch of self-inflicted rules. On the flip side, women are extremely complicated and have far too many rules, hidden agendas and expectations of themselves and everyone else. The reason why women are that way is because of my first point - they have been brainwashed to think that "Once upon a time...happily every after."



"You said I was all you'd ever need
Love is blind and little did I know
That you were just another dead-end road
Paved with pretty lies and broken dreams"~Julie Roberts

He Said He Loved Me

There are a few things women crave and right at the top of the list is hearing a man say, "I love you." Once she hears those three little words, the visions in her head work overtime on thoughts of white lace, a home, children, cooking holiday meals and the list goes on and on. To her, those words mean, "He's mine forever and we will live happily ever after."

(LOUD ALARM ringing)

When a man says, "I love you," it does not mean all that other stuff every time. Men live in the present...right now. If he says, "I love you," then he might just be saying it to get his way or he may really be feeling that wonderful feeling right now, but he may not necessarily want to be your husband, the father of your children or see your face every morning on the pillow next to his.

Why?????

Well, there are several reasons that men will say, "I love you" and not really feel it, but I think the one at the top of the list is that the woman forces the man to say, "I love you." If the woman keeps saying, "I love you" over and over and over and over, often the man will reciprocate just to get her to shut up nagging him about it. I understand both sides, but the solution is that the woman should just wait until the man says it first in actions and words. If she waits and he never says "I love you," then he doesn't feel it! No matter how many times the woman says, "I love you," it is not going to change the man's mind or heart. He may not ever love the woman. This is a reality women need to learn to accept.

I didn't do that, so that isn't what happened with my marriages.

Men And Women

The next most prevalent mistake women make in relationships is the false belief that just because she can whip up a quiche before going to work and then, after she gets home, clean the house and cook dinner while ironing fifteen loads of laundry in record time, the man is going to be madly in love with her because she can do so many things proficiently.

Pah-leez! Since when was loving someone measured by how many things they can do in the shortest amount of time or how many talents they possess?

As ridiculous as it sounds, this is where I have failed. This "was" my fatal flaw. I'm definitely stressing "was" because that is my past weakness. I felt that if I was the "perfect" woman, I would be loved forever.

Hogwash! Two things are totally wrong with that line of thinking. There is no such a thing as a perfect woman! Wonder Woman is a comic book character and not a real life model. Secondly, no one can control how another person feels. People can be influenced, but you can't make someone FEEL love for you if they don't feel it! Obviously, it was totally irrelevant that I could "bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan," because my relationships ended. I'm living proof that the love of a man is not obtained by striving to do lots of things well.

I have learned that when I excel at something, I am doing it for ME. It is not necessary for me to prove to anyone that I have talents. Besides, my talents are not related to me being lovable. The two have absolutely nothing to do with each other... I am lovable because I am ME. I don't have to be great at anything other than being ME! What a relief! It sure has taken off all that pressure to perform well in every area of living. In fact, it has made life so much happier and I feel much more relaxed. Being ME isn't so hard since I don't have a list of 1,000 self-imposed expectations that I must accomplish in heroic fashion while being completely stressed out.

Why Did You Believe Him?

Most women feel incomplete without the "Once upon a time...happily every after." Not only do they feel the need to mate in order to have children, they also crave the companionship. NOTHING is wrong with feeling this way! Love is a beautiful emotion! However, most women are not educated in the art of choosing love wisely.

Women settle.

The moment they hear the words, "I love you," often reason and logic fly out the window. The musical melody is so beautiful to the heart that the brain simply doesn't stand a chance or get to voice an opinion.

When I used to go shopping with Alyssa when she was young, I always did the same thing when she wanted to spend her money on something expensive on a whim. It didn't matter how much she wanted the item at the moment, I always told her, "We will come back tomorrow and if you still want it, then I will let you buy it." Of course, that took the wind out of her sails, but she would agree. What do you think happened the next day when I asked if she wanted to go back to the store and buy the product? Almost every time she would say something like, "No Mom. It will take too much of my money and I don't want it that much."

Yep. Exactly. In the heat of the moment, the desire for it was there, but after a good night's rest and further contemplation, she discovered that it wasn't worth the price she would have to pay.

That is the message.

Just because someone loves you, it doesn't mean that they are the right person for you to share your future and dreams with every day. The brain needs to have a part in the discussion of your future. If the love is freely felt by both and the other elements in the relationship make sense to the brain, then it can be a successful union. It can be a companionship that you can rely upon. Someone who will be strong when you are weak. There will be laughter, fun, sharing, caring, passion and lots of love that will grow each day.

Is this a guarantee?

No! Nothing in life is guaranteed except for death. However, making a choice based on more than passion and three words will get you the closest to the wish of "Once upon a time...happily ever after."

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At Lunch With Men - Truth About Helping In The Kitchen

You probably remember that I eat lunch every day in a very sunny break room at work with seven men who renamed me. The women don't usually start eating until an hour later, so we have the whole place to ourselves.

Sometimes it's quiet and that is often what I need...peace.

Eating lunch with men has taught me many things that I did not previously know about their gender. I enjoy their candor and find it refreshing. It really has been a very eye opening experience that every woman should have the privilege of enjoying first hand. I think it would improve us as women and help us to become better people.

I sure hope that statement doesn't puff up their ego even more than it is already. (wink)

I have discovered that dining with men is often much better than reading a self-help book on relationships. I mean, face it, I have the perfect opportunity to get the information directly from seven totally different men. Could it get much better? I don't think so.

The other day I learned a very interesting thing at lunch with the men. There is almost an art in being able to get out of helping in the kitchen during mealtimes. First of all, most men do not want to help in the kitchen. So to get out of it, they:

• Break or spill something. This causes quite a hullabaloo during which time they are banished from the kitchen. The woman immediately makes haste to clean up all the mess that the man created.
  
• Don't clean something good enough. Whether it is a food prep item or some other item in the kitchen, if the man does a sloppy job of the cleaning, he is immediately kicked out of the kitchen.
  

Each occurrence is accompanied by the men whining. I'm sure that isn't hard to imagine.

I had no idea that men actually implemented a plan to ensure they did not have to help in the kitchen. It was really news to me. Of course, I immediately reflected on my own life. My father, grandfather and uncles did not ever do things in the kitchen nor were they expected to do so.

Hmmmm.....

Upon further contemplation of the events, I concluded that women are a huge portion of the reason that men do not help in the kitchen. Some of the reasons include:

• Women want it "their way" even when it doesn't make a difference to the outcome.
• Women are not satisfied with the job that men do in the kitchen even when they are sincerely helping.
• Women nag.
• Women let the men off the hook too easily because it takes more time to show him what they need done than to just keep on doing it themselves.
  

Since none of the wives of the men at lunch read my blog, I am safe exposing their secrets about helping in the kitchen. My intention is not to have their perfect plan spoiled. (rolling eyes)

The big "but" in all this is that women can not complain in the kitchen if they are unwilling to give up the attitude that everything has to be done their way perfectly. They also need to create an atmosphere of two loving partners working toward a goal instead of a queen and her servant.

Think about it like this...would you complain about how flawed something was that your two year old helped you do? No! Of course you wouldn't!

Why not?

Well, the bottom line is that you would not want to hurt your child's feelings. True?

The same should hold true with your partner. If you want help and you want to enjoy his company while you work together, then think about what and how you speak to him. Your intention is to get things accomplished, but I know you don't want to hurt his feelings while doing it.

So I propose a few things to do to help make "helping in the kitchen" a fun experience for the couple. We are going to assume that the husband and wife love each other and that the husband doesn't want the wife to do all the work because he enjoys spending free time with her. I had to add that in because more and more I have found people who remain married "just because" instead of because they love and enjoy each other. So ladies:

• Don't boss him around. Remember to say "please" and "thank you" so that you do not come across like an Army drill sergeant.
  
• Understand that he doesn't know your routine, but will eventually learn it with time and patience.
• Know that in the beginning, you will spend more time in the kitchen if he helps you simply because you still haven't learned how to work together.
• Teach him interesting tidbits as you work together, but don't make it a college lecture every time you're in the kitchen. By having him learn little things here and there, the kitchen experience together will remain interesting.
• Don't become a motormouth. The kitchen time is not your time to fill the air with every conceivable thought about shoes, purses, clothes, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera!
  
• Put into practice my epiphany. It will produce great effects for both people.
  
• Flirt. Yes, you read that correctly. Flirt. If he married you then chances are he enjoys flirting with you. The kitchen time together is the perfect time to flirt.
  
• If you are in the house together and expect no one else to show up, dress provocatively sometimes. You know what I mean - less is better. As an example, you could pull out the apron and wear it with nothing underneath. I'm sure you get the picture.
• Never nag. Seriously, do not nag him.
  

I'm sure that tomorrow I will be harassed when I have lunch with the men. That's okay because even though it won't change the way they help or don't help in the kitchen, it still enlightened everyone else.

Women now know that men do all those things to get out of helping in the kitchen.

Men know that helping in the kitchen could be a wonderful bonding experience with his wife.

Y'all can do whatever you want with this information, but the next time I get a man in the kitchen, I'm going to make sure I spice it up to keep his interest in order to have that extra set of hands helping me cook and bake all those delicious recipes I share with you each week.

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Lingerie Types - Lingerie Spices Up Your Sex Life

I am a big advocate for always looking for other ways to spice up a relationship in order to keep it fresh and to help create a wonderful sex life. One of the big complaints with couples is that their marriage becomes the same old thing day after day. There are no real surprises. Equally, there is no real effort either. That is when the big "B" sets in...boredom.

Many people just accept a boring marriage and sex life as the status quo for long term relationships. The other day I told you a whole bunch about kissing to help take the boring factor out of your relationship, but there is even more you can learn that will keep the fires of passion burning.

Lingerie.

Not just any lingerie, but sexy lingerie.

I found a fancy lingerie shop one day while I was tweeting on Twitter. I love lingerie and have always found it very exciting. I'm sure it had something to do with all the lingerie my mother owned while married to my dad. Sorry to tell your secret Mom.

Anyway, while happily flipping through the fancy lingerie store online, I found many beautiful and sexy pieces. They even asked me to write a post on their blog. I guess it was quite apparent that I think lingerie is hot.

There are many kinds of lingerie. I've already inquired about whether it was possible to trade bodies with the models and that is not possible, so only the lingerie can be purchased. (wink) You really don't need a different body, because they sell every size imaginable. You have every reason to believe that no matter what size you may be now, there is still lingerie that will enhance your sexiness.

So the kids are asleep or maybe they are grown and living on their own. Either way, you both have some time on your hands and lots of love beating in your hearts. Now is the perfect time to pull out the fancy lingerie.

Types Of Lingerie

Isn't the saying, "So much lingerie, but so little time?"

There are many types of lingerie. There is a type for every mood or place that you are located:



Bodystocking

We all know that if you get really dressed up, you don a pair of stockings on your legs. A bodystocking is a lacy, see-through material that is a stocking for the whole body. Yes, it is very sexy.

Teddy

A teddy allows your legs to remain uncovered. To further break it down, a babydoll teddy can hide your imperfections because of the flowing material around the mid-section. If you're interested in accentuating the breast while concealing a few flaws, then a babydoll teddy is a sure fire winner.




Corset and Bustier

A corset adds support to the breast and does a wonderful job highlighting the cleavage. Even better, it flattens out that stomach! Corsets come in a wide variety of materials from soft and silky to leather and shiny.




Sexy Lounging Gowns



This isn't your grandma's flannel nightgown! A lingerie gown comes in ever color and style imaginable. They bring an elegance to your party for two as they swish around your legs with each step.


A Little More Coverage



Does showing too much skin just make you feel uncomfortable in the bright light of day? There's lingerie for that too. Actually, there are sexy dresses that will enhance the pre-moment quite nicely.


Lingerie Costumes



For those with a spark of adventure, lingerie costumes might be just the outfit you'll find appealing. From school girl to kitty, it's all there just waiting to slide onto your sexy body.



Special Occasions



Having a new love, new marriage and new life ahead is reason enough to celebrate with beautiful lingerie in white. Feminine white lingerie is the perfect choice for the bride on her special wedding night.


Sexy Shoes, Shoes and Shoes



The right shoe that will enhance your naked leg is definitely what you want to wear when you are striving for a sexy moment in your relationship. I know you might look at these shoes and think that they are too high for you to wear. My answer to your dilemma would be to remind you that you only have to take a few steps before you are on the bed and off your feet. (wink)



Men Should Buy Their Lovers Fancy Lingerie



Yes, women love lingerie as a gift. Women also know that not only is it a gift that we will enjoy receiving, but many men are just like Santa Clause - they can't get enough bows, elves and candy canes.

Maybe you are thinking, "Oh, The Redhead Riter got paid to do this post." I assure you that I did not get paid nor did I receive free lingerie. I know that lingerie can create fun times in a relationship and that a good sex life is very important to your happiness and health. A little bit of cloth strategically placed can generate renewed excitement which kicks boredom out the door. Do yourself the pleasure of feeling sexy...wear some fancy lingerie and love your sexy body.




Don't forget to read:

9 Reasons To Wear Lingerie Even If You Don't Feel Sexy





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Kissing - Wet, Open Mouth, Tongue Kisses & Happy Marriages

"Take me by the tongue and I'll know you.

Kiss me 'til you're drunk and I'll show you."

Os-cu-laaaaa-tion.

Mmmmmm....

Lately I've been addicted to a song by Maroon 5 called Moves Like Jagger. Believe me, I do not think about Mick Jagger while listening to this song. The visual image that "take me by the tongue" creates in my mind is very sexy. Of course, that's just me in my mind, but surely it does the same thing to other people too.

Today, I'm going to follow up my opinion with a little research. There's nothing like discussing science and kissing at the same time, right? Hey, don't roll your eyes. I might be able to teach you a thing or two about kissing. (wink)

Come closer.

No, no, no. Sit back in your chair and read! I just wanted to make sure you could see the monitor! What did you think I meant?!

(sly little smile)

According to a British survey:

"Almost one in five (18 percent) married people don’t pucker-up with their partner for an entire week, while two in five married people (40 percent) kiss for just five seconds or less when they do get it on."

OH MY GOODNESS! I have to say, I was really shocked at such a terrible statistic!

So I decided to see if there was some hope for mankind in another study by Susan M. Hughes, Marissa A. Harrison and Gordon G. Gallup, Jr. about Sex Differences in Romantic Kissing.

The Inside Story On Kissing

Men and women see osculation differently because, as you know, Women Are From Venus And Men Are From Mars. Here is a list of some of the interesting points in the study by Hughes, Harrison and Gallup.

• Men like wetter kisses with more tongue contact and open mouth kissing.

• Females place a greater emphasis on kissing for making mate assessments.

• Males consider a "good kiss" as one where their partner lets them initiate tongue contact.

• Females are more likely to base evaluations of their partners' kissing ability on chemical cues such as the breath, the taste of their mouth and the appearance of their teeth.

• Males are less discriminating when it comes to deciding who to kiss or who to have sex with. They are more willing to have sex with someone without kissing, to have sex with someone they are not attracted to, and agree to have sex with someone they consider to be a "bad kisser."

• Both males and females use kissing as a bonding mechanism which creates greater emotional closeness.

• Females appear to place a greater emphasis on kissing to induce bonding.

• Males place more emphasis on their partner’s face, body, and weight as focal characteristics they use to decide whether to kiss someone.

• Females think kissing is important throughout a relationship whereas males place less importance on kissing as the relationship progresses.

• Men use kissing as an attempt to "seduce" romantic partners as a strategy to gain sexual access to females more than as a bonding function.

• Kissing seems to be viewed by both sexes as an activity that can increase sexual arousal and receptivity.

• More males than females used kissing in an attempt to end a fight.

• Men and women report that the ability to kiss well contributes to making someone "a good lover".

• Overall, the research showed that males feel kissing should lead to sex more often than do females.

• Males also categorize a "good kiss" as one that leads to sex and one where "my partner makes moaning noises," which may signal arousal and receptivity.

• Women who are in a committed relationship feel that kissing is used (wittingly or not) to update, monitor, and assess the status of their partner’s continuing commitment (or lack thereof) to the relationship.

• Men rate kissing as more "erotic" than do women.

• Kissing on the lips was rated by both men and women as being more intimate than "cuddling," "holding hands," "hugging," "caressing," "stroking," "massages," "backrubs," and "kissing on the face."

• The amount of reported kissing between partners is directly proportional to relationship satisfaction.

Did the last point make sense? Couples that are happy and satisfied with each other and the relationship share more kisses.

I always think it is sad when someone says that the "thrill" in their marriage is gone or women say that they "have" to have sex with their husbands at least once a week. You can create the thrill in your marriage any time you want to and "getting" to have sex with your husband is a wonderful experience and opportunity!

Kisses Add Passionate Sparks To A Relationship

One way to add the spark of passion in your relationship is to kiss each other often and for a lo-o-o-ong time! A less than five second kiss is too short!

Think about the song Moves Like Jagger...

"Take me by the tongue and I'll know you.

Kiss me 'til you're drunk and I'll show you."

You do not feel drunk from kissing in less than five seconds.

A relationship is divided into novelty and intimacy. After the novelty of a new love lessens, a couple has the opportunity for a deeper level of intimacy. Couples don't have to work at "thrilling" moments when love is new because everything is new! Thrills and excitement just happen. As the newness wears off, a more intimate union can occur, but only after a conscious effort is made to keep the fires of passion alive. Part of that effort includes kissing each other often.

Of course, I know it takes a whole lot more than kissing to make a marriage successful, but don't devalue the importance of kissing and sex in a relationship.

The British survey also reported that young lovers ranging from 18 to 24 years old are making out an average eleven times each week and five percent of people over 45 are making time for over thirty-one kisses each week.

I still think that is terrible statistics.

If you kiss "hello" and "goodbye" then that only leaves a little over two more kisses during the day. That's really not a whole bunch in my opinion. We simply need to kiss each other more often because it feels good and it will strengthen our relationships.

Kissing is a universal practice among sexual or romantic partners. Obviously, just about everyone is doing it, but they are not kissing enough.

So go get your lip balm and make those lips soft. Then gently brush your soft lips against the mouth of the one you love. If the kiss is sloppy or rough, then you need more practice and there's no time like the present. But if you feel a little romantic magic, don't stop kissing because you're on the right track!









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Marriage: And You Think That's Real?

Image: Donato Buccella

It was a dimly lit room with a band playing loudly and everyone dancing.

You were stretched out sunbathing on the white sands of the beach with the ocean waves crashing on the shore.

Although all eyes were on the pulpit learning about how to be a better person, your eyes were on the cute boy at the end of the second pew.

School was boring except for that one class when he was there in the next aisle over which caused you to barely pass because you couldn't keep your mind on the teacher.

Women dream of "the" boy that catches their attention. Of course, we all eventually start to think, "Will he be a good husband and/or father?"

We want to nest.

Settle down.

Make a home.

Be the one of two.

You see him and he smiles at you.

That's all it takes!!!! Of course, that means that he wants to marry you and be with your forever! Oh how a woman's mind works sometimes.

How do you know if what he feels for you is real and lasting?

We can't read anyone's mind, but there are some clues that help you know if what he feels for you is real and lasting. I have a few thought provoking tips that might assist you in knowing when you find the right guy or to reaffirm that you were right when you married the man that now is fast asleep on the couch snoring the roof off.

• He thinks you are pretty without makeup and tells you.

• He reaches for your hand and holds it all the time.

• He gets a far away look when he stares in your eyes and then hugs, kisses or just holds you.
  

• When you ask him if he thinks you are fat, his response is something like, "You have gained weight, but I love you for who you are and not for how much you weigh. Besides, you are always beautiful."

• He defends you if someone says or does something unkind, mean or belittling. Chivalry is not dead!

• The words "I love you" leaves his lips unprovoked and at times other than when he wants you do to something for him.

• He does not: demean you, cuss at you, cheat on you, abuse you or do anything purposefully, over and over again to hurt your feelings. Basically, he respects you.
  

• He notices and appreciates the things you do for him, the family and others.

• He cherishes you like he would the Hope diamond because you are even more priceless than the gem.

• He wants to show you off because he is proud and not embarrassed of you.
  

True love can and does exist. When a man REALLY loves you, his actions speak what his lips do not utter. It is the nature of man to speak less and do more to show what is in his heart. If his actions are not showing it, then he is not feeling it.

When his feelings are real, love is obvious.

It is as obvious as the quart of ice cream you just ate while watching, "The Notebook."

"So it's not gonna be easy.
It's going to be really hard;
we're gonna have to work at this everyday,
but I want to do that because I want you.
I want all of you, forever, everyday.
You and me... everyday."

Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook)

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Courtesy In Marriage Is Priceless

There was a reason that you got married. Maybe you can't or don't want to remember why now that things are not white lace and roses any more, but there was a reason. I can just about bet that no one "made" you get married if you live in the free world. I also believe that you actually felt thrilled on the day that wedded bliss started.

Now, however, babies have come and maybe even left, careers might be on the downward slope toward retirement, and days run into each other without any great emotion of happiness or thrill. There certainly are not butterflies when you glance across the table at each other.

So what is the problem?

Did you grow apart sometime between then and now?

One of the first things to leave the rosy relationship is courtesy. It never stops being shown to strangers, peers, friends or co-workers, but it often ends with the spouse.

Why?

There are probably a million answers to that question, but they all boil down to one emotion.

Desire.

I'm not talking about sexual desire. No, not this time.

What I mean by desire is the non-sexual "want to." For instance, if you "want to" get a promotion, then you go to your job each day and you work to the best of your ability. You stretch yourself, put in extra hours and volunteer to help others or head up a big project.

Perhaps you "want to" go out to lunch with your friends. It requires that you use some form of communication to find out when and where everyone will meet up. You plan your life activities to accommodate having the time to enjoy the companionship of friends.

In either one of those scenarios, I'm sure you would not interact and communicate with the people involved with screams, belittling, cursing, degrading comments, physical violence, ignoring them or any other type abusive behavior. On the contrary! Your actions would be courteous and polite.

Does your spouse deserve less?

Do you "want to" have a happy marriage?

Get back to the basics of courtesy.



"Life is not so short but that
there is always time for courtesy."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson~

Ways To Be Courteous In A Marriage Relationship

It is easy to take your partner for granted especially when you pass each other like flying soccer balls until you both finally get to plop down in bed. Inevitably, there is going to be one person that immediately falls asleep while the other lies awake with too many thoughts in their head.

No matter how busy you might be during the day, there is still time for courtesy and manners. Here are a few examples of the reasons we should show courtesy to our spouse:

• Somebody works to support the family and makes money which means they sacrifice time and perform labor to keep the family comfortable.
• The laundry gets dirty. It must be gathered, sorted, washed, dried, folded or hung, ironed and put away.
• Three square meals or something close to it gets served each day. That means that coupons have to be cut, groceries purchased, meals planned, food cooked, dishes washed and put away. I can assure you that magical fairies do not perform these tasks.
• Vacuuming, dusting and and all manner of cleaning is performed in order to live comfortably in your home.
• The lawn has to be mowed or the weeds will overtake the house like a haunted mansion. Even if you ride the lawnmower, it is still work. I don't think anyone sees that chore as recreation.

All of those tasks require work and sacrifice. If no one ever hears "Thank you," eventually both people are going to feel taken for granted. How much better would it be to hear the words and feel the emotion of gratefulness from our spouse? This one thing, as insignificant as it may sound, is the end of a relationship that is free flowing with love, commitment and positive energy.

Take the time to show appreciation, not only in words, but also by actions.

Actions?

Yes! Using the example list above. If you come home to a clean and sparkling home, do not drop your dirty clothes on the floor from the front door all the way to the bedroom. That shows a lack of appreciation for the hard work your spouse performed. Personally, this kind of action speaks much louder to me than words, so that is what I mean by actions.

What's that saying, "Actions speak louder than words."

Whether your marriage is new, old, happy or sad, remember that courtesy is the key and will add value to the relationship. Practice sincere appreciation and courtesy with people that live with you every day. Most importantly, reiterate your love to the spouse that made you burst into flames of desire when you got married. Yes, physically you felt wild passion, but in your heart and soul, you desired and wanted to be with that person forever even though you knew it wasn't going to be all white lace and roses.

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My Fingers Quiver On Your Skin

"I need to catch my breath
with you sometimes

Cause I... get dizzy
when your body's touching mine"

Why do we fall in love?

The age old philosophy that we fall in love to propagate the species, still holds true. It is a basic drive like eating, drinking, breathing and having shelter. As humans, we seek after the companionship and the feeling that being with someone can give to us, but more to ensure that we continue our species. The craving to "belong" to someone often borders on an addiction.

You may laugh and think "addiction?" Oh no, not me! The hormones are what causes the butterflies in your stomach, the desire to hold hands, the thrill of being kissed, grabbing the phone when it rings and texting or talking on the phone until one in the morning. The hormone levels are elevated and so is the the thrill created from the attention.

Right or wrong, the physical philosophy (the survival of the fittest) seems to still hold true. Humans subconsciously want to have children and a partner as we go through the experience of life. Men subconsciously seek after women who look like they can bear his children. At the same time, women are looking for a man that can give her strong children and take care of her. Funny how the brain works.

What happens when we fall in love?

Helen Fisher, a research professor at Rutgers University, believes that the happiness, euphoria, energy and sleeplessness we feel at the beginning of a relationship is the "result of elevated levels of dopamine and norepinephrine" which kicks into overdrive.

That hormonal onslaught continues until the couple has time to reach a stable plateau which is necessary to raise children. During this sensible time of love, the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin cause a couple to stay together strengthening the bond with other things such as trust, honesty, and communication to name a few.

Why do we/should we have sex?

Another hormone that adds to the love factor is pheromones which are substances secreted by an organism and recognized by others through undetected smells that produce responses such as those felt during times of fear, sex or aggression.

Sex, sleeping together, rolling in the hay (my parents did this often - secrets out!), making love, sleeping with each other, knowing someone, being intimate, having intercourse, copulating, mating, making whoopee, and getting it on (Marvin Gaye's choice - I love that song!!!!) all mean the same thing. That by all means is not a full list for this very popular event. Hmmm, is it an event?

Why exactly do we have sex? Here are a few reasons:

• The obvious reason is to have babies - propagation of the species!
• Reduces the risk of heart attack and stroke. Specifically, men who have sex three times a week will cut his chances of heart disease in half.
• Men also have a decreased chance of prostate cancer if they have regular sex.
• Reduces stress. Will help to eliminate the cramps in your muscles and headaches.
• Reduces depression. When having sex without a condom, it is believed that the male prostoglandin (found in the semen) is absorbed by the woman's body thus helping to keep her hormones more level. I wonder if this would eliminate the Witchy Poo nagging factor?
• Sex keeps away wrinkles. According to Dr. David Weeks, a clinical neuropsychologist at Scotland's Royal Edinburgh Hospital, reported from his studies that having sex four times a week can help you look ten years younger. Gasp! As we age (there's that aging thing again), our testosterone levels decrease. By having regular sex, those levels are elevated thus helping to regenerate muscle tissue and bone. I think I might go buy the doctor's book called "Secrets of the Superyoung."
• Because of the increase in oxytocin and endorphins released after sex, the euphoria will stave off aches and pains. Does that mean sex is a drug?(wink)
• Induces better and sounder sleep.
• Ever heard of Kegel exercises? Well, strengthen everything in the pelvic area at one time for more control of the other functions which will keep you out of Depends longer! It also helps to prevent vaginal atrophy. Oh my goodness! Did I just say that word on my blog?! (blush)
• Women who do not take the birth control pill and who also have regular sex will enjoy more regular menstrual cycles.
• Thirty minutes of having sex burns 200 calories. Definitely the only exercise I enjoy!
• Keeps your muscles firmed especially the tummy and buns. I guess that means I need to have more sex because my tummy definitely isn't flat enough!
• Having sex once or twice a week according to researchers at Wilkes University in Pennsylvania will boost the immune system by 30 percent because of the increase in the antibody called immunoglobulin A. Does that count as taking vitamins? (wink)
• Goodbye Mr. Lonely. Yep, having sex with your loving partner helps to rid you of those lonely feelings.
• Enhances the ability to smell. After a pleasurable romp in the sheets there is a surge in the hormone prolactin which enhances our ability to smell.
• Increases creativity. Hey, yeah! After being married a long time, you've got to get creative to avoid the boring factor. Here's a few suggestions, but Mom, you have to close your eyes and don't read this part - upside down and hanging off the bed; doing it in the car trunk; on the dining room table; in a swing; in the shower; in an elevator; under the stairs of a public building; in the pool; and in the jacuzzi. For the record, I'm pleading the 5th Amendment and admitting nothing!
• The best reason of all to make love is because it helps to increase the intimacy and communication in the couple.

Finding the person to click with the rest of your life might take time and effort, but in the end, well worth all that is invested. Falling in love and having sex are wonderful experiences. The racing heart and heightened awareness with your lover is almost beyond explanation. It feels...all over wonderful...heart, mind, soul and body wonderful.

Yes, I know the feeling...

Quick intake of breath as he enters the room.

Nothing else exists.

Just me and him.

Happiness floods the senses.

Our lips meet and my fingers quiver on his skin.

"The way you move is
much too sexy baby
So I... surrender to your
hands, your lips, your taste
And I'm telling you tonight
You got me defenseless,
intoxicated senseless"

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Marriage - The Written Word And Sex

Image: Tomek Dyczewski

Desires Of You
by Michael Yeazel

Eyes beckon
To desires
Unspoken
Moisten lips
Waltz
Across fingertips
Wanting sighs
Profess
A longing quest
Eyes are closed
And lips are pressed
As passion stirs
In tenderness

Woo, that's hot and that's precisely what I want to talk about for a minute. So you already know that older women like having sex and that talking to each other is very important. Communication between a husband and wife can solve problems and bind them together as long as women leave the nagging out of the mix.

What does that have to do with the written word? When Tom and I were newly weds, he emailed me sweet and often passionate letters several times a day. I'm sure that doesn't surprise anyone because, well, we were just married and everything was new.

Have you heard the saying that the only thing a man needs in order to be ready to have sex is for the woman to show up naked. Okay, no big shocker there either. There is definitely a difference between men and women. It is the whole Mars and Venus thing as discussed by John Gray or as my grandmother would say, "He's just a man." She was obviously a smart woman.

Anyway, sex is a big part of marriage. When two people get married, they usually can't keep their hands off each other. Nothing is needed by either one of them because the hormones are racing like thorough bred horses with every touch, glance, phone call, or letter.

• Time passes and the newness turns old.
  
• Maybe a few kids now populate the family.
  
• Bills pile up in the basket to be paid.
  
• One or both spouses work long hours away from home.
• Body image issues have emerged.
• By the end of the day, one or both partners are just too tired.

So much for having an active sex life.

There is hope, so don't give up.

Sex is an expression of who we are and how we feel. With that being said, we must first know ourselves before we can express it. Our first responsibility is to know who we are and to feel comfortable expressing our sexuality.

Men are thinking, "Okay, that's not such a big revelation," and women are saying, "But I have this flaw and that flaw, blah, blah, blah." Just stop talking like that women! When a man has you in his arms, he is thinking about you and that is it. His body is so alive that he does not have space in his brain or the desire in his body to be anywhere except for in your arms and body.

So the first step for women, before the man is even in the picture, is that you prepare your body and brain for the experience. Maybe take a shower and appreciate the beauty of your womanliness. Do whatever it takes to help you feel sexual, be it shaving, applying lotion, dabbing on perfume, or just putting on a nightie that you do not wear often. The whole time you are primping on yourself, THINK ABOUT SEX.

The neurochemical in the brain that is behind the craving or desire you have for sex is called dopamine. Your brain loves the feeling of a dopamine release. The more dopamine released, the higher your drive to have sex.

All that information is lovely, but what about all the reasons listed above that have wiped out the desire to have sex at all or even think about it?

That is where writing steps in to play. If you are reading this post, you either like to read and/or you like to write. Therefore, when I tell you that you must write your partner notes to help turn yourself on, it shouldn't really be that hard to do.

"I love you" on a note is great, but can you get a little more original and even graphic? Remember, the intention is to not only turn on your partner, but to also help increase your desire and readiness to have sex. How about a note that says, "I love you more each time I feel your hot lips caressing my neck." Do you see the difference? Literally, did you see a vision of those words in your head?

We all know that women take longer to actually enjoy the sexual experience, so the key is to start the whole process long before you are rolling in the hay or sheets. Call your spouse and have a sexually explicit wooing conversation. Describe what you want to do to each other or role play for a few moments on the phone. When you hang up, keep the words your partner said in the forefront of your mind. The dopamine will increase and you will feel more sexual.

Yes, this is EFFORT, but well worth it. The more in tune you become with your emotions and body, the quicker you will be able to relax and enjoy your own sexuality. Gert Holstege, a Dutch scientist, discovered that when we have an orgasm, the scans of the brain are similar to those of people having heroin rushes. Obviously, sex and dopamine are a powerful combination. Use that information to your advantage.

Bottom line is that if you want to continue having healthy, happy, enjoyable sex after the newness wears off, you have to be willing to do a little preparation work in your brain. Since we all know that ladies can think of about a million things at once, dedicating some time to thinking about your sexy spouse making love to your sexy body shouldn't really be that hard.

Having exciting sex starts with the desire to express our love sexually and motivating dopamine production is the first step.

As George Strait sings, "Baby write this down, take a little note."

Great advice.

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Marriage - Water From Your Sprinklers

I'm not telling this story to slam my husband, but our relationship isn't perfect and I'm sure yours isn't either. This concept surely isn't a huge secret. We are all human and have blips on the screen, bumps in the road, cracks in the roof - however you want to characterize it. Basically, we have bad days and this is a perfect illustration, so I'm going to use it.

Besides, my husband doesn't read my blog any more anyway, so it will be our little secret.

Shhhhhhhhhh.

I can name the times on one hand that I've locked my keys in my car and that is quite an accomplishment if you consider my age.

So picture this....

Alyssa and I had just spent an hour and a half with a photographer who is going to take her senior picture. Then I went to my therapy appointment where the good doctor was golden bronze from his week at the beach with his family. I don't think I heard anything he said for an hour because I sat coveting his tan.

Sorry that I have so much tan envy. Yes, I've got it bad. I want to be brown if only for an hour.

Anyway...

I knew I needed to pick up my prescriptions, but I hadn't talked to Mom yet and it was already 7:30 p.m.

While sitting in front of the store, surrounded by a semi-dark parking lot with my car doors locked, I talked to my mother for about ten minutes. Then I hung up, stuffed my purse under my arm, opened the car door, stepped out into the stifling heat, pushed the car lock down and slammed the door closed at the same moment that I spied my keys sprawled across the passenger seat.

I don't know why, but I felt panic!

I immediately called my husband and he thought I was joking. Eventually, I convinced him that I really was locked out of my car!

So the white knight should come riding up on his stallion and save the damsel in distress, right?

Wrong.

Remember, it's not always white lace and roses.

Tom eventually drove to be with me and called the guy-who-unlocks-car-doors-for-distracted-people. He got so mad (strike #1 because I was already stressed) when the dispatcher ask him if the keys were on the driver or passenger seat that I had to finish the conversation. Eventually I was told that the guy-who-unlocks-car-doors-for-distracted-people would be with us in an hour which meant that Tom and I had to....wait.

I got in Tom's car and preceded to wait.

Quality time, right? Please, don't make me roll my eyes at you the way Alyssa does when I remind her to "be good" when she goes out with her friends.

Let's stop the story there for a moment and talk about a few facts:

1. I work as hard as my husband
   
2. I don't demand a lot of him
3. I have only locked my keys in my car a few times in my lifetime
4. I've had a lot of trauma in my life lately
5. I didn't lock my keys in the car on purpose
6. I'm a good wife
7. I do many things for my family because I love them
8. I am often inconvenienced by my family's requests which I perform anyway, but often don't get thanked
   

Back to the story...

Tom complained with words and body language the whole time we sat in the car and I felt like a huge aggravation in his life. (strike #2)

Regardless of the topic, he found fault with me and made sure that I knew I fell short of the mark. (strike #3)

By the time the guy-who-unlocks-car-doors-for-distracted-people got to us, I was leaning on my car alone. Tom was parked several aisles away in a mostly empty parking lot in the dark. Obviously, the interior of his car was too unpleasant for me. (strike #4)

Pause for a second.

Maybe you are wondering what the heck a sprinkler picture has to do with this story. I'm going to tell you, so don't stress the gray matter.

Our actions affect everyone we come in contact with every day.

I lost my keys which affected:

1. my husband
2. the man on the phone at the 1-800 car-unlock service
3. the woman on the phone that dispatched our service call
4. the guy that unlocked my car

Just like a sprinkler that spits water all over the surrounding grass, our words, actions, reactions and nonverbal body language also touch other people's lives all day long.

Let's keep going and take it off pause.

At one point of the conversation with Tom in his car, I asked him, "Do you treat people like this at work?"

"No," he said quite disgustedly, "I'm a professional at work."

So let me get this right....

Tom had rather treat everyone that he doesn't know really great because he wants to keep that professional image, but since I am just the lowly wife who keeps the home clean, has supported him while he has been jobless, shops for the groceries, cooks, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, it is okay to treat me with disrespect? (strike #5)

Something doesn't look right about that picture.

Think about it you all...you got married because you LOVE each other and WANT to spend the rest of your lives together or that is what you said anyway. Don't you think the right thing to do is SUPPORT each other ALL THE TIME? I mean, really, are your co-workers going to be standing by you when you are on your deathbed or will it be your spouse? If you spouse was abducted by aliens right now, would you feel guilty because you didn't get to say one last apology for the brutal words you left at parting?

Be careful with the water from your sprinklers. Make sure the water doesn't shoot out too hard or that you deprive the grass of the needed wetness to quench it's thirst in the sweltering heat.

Are your water droplets welcomed or do people and your spouse want to put on raincoats and hold umbrellas to keep them away?

I'm sure I could have thought of another story to illustrate my point, but I bet you will remember this one a whole lot longer and it might actually make enough of an impact to motivate and alter poor behavior. Besides, the next day he apologized and I forgave him. Yes, that quickly and now it is over only to be remembered by millions of people on the internet scattered all over the world and in "my journal blog book" that will be printed for my daughter at the end of the year.

Propping my feet on the desk and
feeling quite vindicated,




I guess I better repent now...




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Marriage - There's Two Of Us?

The essence of the word marriage has to be the beginning of this conversation. A few definitions of "marriage" is as follows:

Wikipedia states that "Marriage is a social union or legal contract between people that creates kinship. It is an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged in a variety of ways, depending on the culture or subculture in which it is found." It also goes on to state that "every known society has had some form of marriage between a man and a woman."

Edvard Westermarck defined marriage in his book The History of Human Marriage (1921), as "a more or less durable connection between male and female lasting beyond the mere act of propagation till after the birth of the offspring."

Whether we use those definitions or not, I'm quite sure that all definitions have a key component which is that marriage is a union of two separate people.

Two.

Not one.

Two.

The significance of "two" carries with it an unspoken language of the uniting with unselfish equality to create "one" strong bond. Notice that I did not say it created "one" strong person. The oneness is in the bond of two people that are united in purpose.

One "overall" purpose.

Let that soak into your gray matter for a second.

The second is up! It soaked long enough. Let's move on because we still have the main subject to discuss.

A couple gets married and the fairy tale is still in full swing when suddenly a problem arises. Not just any problem, but a huge mountain in the middle of the bicycle trail. Then it starts snowing on the mountain and before long, there is an avalanche. That is how it feels when one problem after the next seems to come between the marriage partnership and communication. If a mutually satisfying solution can not be obtained, a sense of hopelessness pervades and that leads to feeling trapped.

Image: Source

Not only is your mind stuck in the jaws of unhappiness, so is your body and soul. Life continues, but the relationship is on continual pause because there is not a resolution to the problem. It is not impossible to reach a mutual decision, however, it takes two working through the muck.

Not just one.

Two.

I can hear you now..."Yeah, but..."

Wrong.

There is no "buts" because if you want the marriage to be a partnership, it begins with two people willing to communicate.

Here are a few pointers to help in overcoming the trapped feelings through conflict resolution.

1. Approach - This is not a war. Remember that you joined the marriage with excitement, anticipation and joy at the prospect of sharing your lives.
2. Distraction - Keep the location for the discussion private and in a peaceful atmosphere. The center of an amusement park would definitely be a poor location.
3. Respect - Always speak to one another with respect not only in words, but also body language. Also, respect your partner's point of view.
4. Take turns speaking - If necessary, use the spoon method. Don't interrupt.
5. Perspective - Recognize that the hopelessness comes from unresolved problems and hurt feelings. Try walking in their shoes to see life with you from your spouse's point of view.
6. Ensure understanding - Restate what the other person says in different words and ask for clarification if anything remains fuzzy. Alternately, willingly clarify the thoughts you are trying to convey. Keep in mind that you are trying to dispel the feelings of being trapped in the marriage, so helping the other person understand your intentions and motivations is mandatory if saving the marriage is really your goal.
7. State the conflict - Be direct and clear with the explanation of the reasons you feel trapped and/or unhappy in the marriage. Write them down in bullet form so that your spouse can read the list. Short, sweet Berger dots on an index card will dispel the wordiness.
8. Accountability - Take accountability for your part in the problem. Ask and give forgiveness. Unwillingness to do either is simply stating without words that the marriage does not hold value to you.
9. Solutions with options - Brainstorm for solutions to the problems.
10. Mutual agreement - Agree on trying a few of the options for resolution. Be willing to bend and compromise in order to find a solution. It's not a perfect world and neither are you, so don't expect a perfect solution.

Marriage is not a trap. Unselfishly solving your problems will lead to the happiness you both sought by entering into the union.

Only Cinderella had a perfect marriage.



Getting back to scrubbing the floors now,

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