The Redhead Riter - Witty, Intelligent & Addictive: communication

Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts

Natural And Adapted Personality Style

Someone asked me if I really like and enjoy all the "facts" that I post on Twitter and Facebook every day. In my mind, I thought, "This person doesn't really know me at all."

To answer his question, let me show you the answer. The other day I sent my niece and daughter the following message:

"The 1st glass of alcohol makes u 10% more likely for breast cancer. With every glass of alcohol the risk increases 10%"

I thought that this tidbit of information was important to share with the two young women that I love with all my heart. For all I know, some piece of information I convey might actually improve or save their life some day.

So who is this person behind all the factual tidbits posted in the social media arena and this blog?

Several years ago I took a personality test that was administered and analyzed by a professional. It was the first time that I was able to read what I really already knew about myself. The bottom line...I am an analyzer and my natural personality style (at home) is almost exactly like my adapted personality style (at work, church, group settings).

What Are My Basic Characteristics?

The test gave a narrative of my basic characteristics that I thought I would share.

"Sherry (That's really The Redhead Riter's name in case you forgot) can be professional and disciplined in her approach as it relates to her area of endeavor or expertise. She wants to make certain that detailed reports are accurately completed. Following procedures is her way of ensuring quality and orderly work. Sherry can be depended upon to follow set procedures of work activity. She doesn't appreciate a dirty or messy work station, since she equates dirt and disorganization with lower quality work. She strives forward constantly to improve in everything she does. She shows that she can be quite versatile and at the same time quite adaptable to the situation. She can be competitive and tenacious when under pressure."

I have to tell you when I read about the "dirt" comment the first time, I really laughed my head off even though it is completely true!

"Sherry can be seen as a thinker whose intuitive talents can bring divergent ideas to the forefront. She is capable of making daily decisions routinely, usually becomes cautious about the bigger decisions; she wants to be absolutely certain her decision is correct. Sherry prefers to study and analyze a problem before responding. She is the type of person who will accept challenges, and accept them seriously."

I think things to death, so the "analyze" statement really hit home.

"Sherry enjoys analyzing the motives of others. This allows her to develop her intuitive skills. When Sherry is deeply involved in thinking through a project, she may appear to be cool and distant. Sherry's work represents her true self. People may often see Sherry as formal and reserved. She may be assessing the situation before "letting her guard down" and may do so only when she feels comfortable with circumstances."

Yeah, that is entirely true. When I was a teenager, it wasn't such a positive trait because I never felt comfortable enough to let down my guard!

Value To The Team And Organization

Another section of the analysis of my personality style listed the things that I bring to the table. In other words, my value to the team and organization.

Proficient and skilled in her technical specialty.
Tough-minded.
Suspicious of people with shallow ideas.
Conscientious and steady.
Objective--"The anchor of reality."
Presents the facts without emotion.
Always concerned about quality of work.
Excellent troubleshooter.
Comprehensive in problem solving.
Defines, clarifies, gets information, criticizes and tests.
Always looking for logical solutions.

When I read the last one, I knew that this test was accurate. I can not ever find peace in my own mind until I have a logical explanation of the WHY in everything. Obviously, this is also a negative trait because sometimes things in every day life just don't make logical sense.

Effective Communication

Most people know the ways with which they prefer to be communicated. Here are a few "Do's" when communicating with me:

Make an organized contribution to her efforts, present specifics and do what you say you can do.
Use expert testimonials.
Keep at least three feet away from her. Don't invade her private space.
Have the facts in logical order. (See that logical theme again?)
Prepare your "case" in advance.
Provide solid, tangible, practical evidence.
Follow through, if you agree.
Provide details in writing.
Make an organized presentation of your position, if you disagree.

Of course, I have to also list all the things not to do while communicating with me, so "Don't" do the following:

Be vague about what's expected of either of you; don't fail to follow through.
Leave things to luck. (AMEN!)
Be redundant.
Push too hard or be unrealistic with deadlines.
Use testimonies of unreliable sources; don't be haphazard.
Leave things open to interpretation.
Be superficial.
Dillydally or waste time.
Threaten, cajole, wheedle, coax or whimper.
Use gimmicks or clever, quick manipulations.

The lists really did peg me. The really great thing about this analysis of me, is that it shows my ingrained, subconscious personality - the real me. It doesn't make me right or wrong, it just makes me Sherry.

The Overall Analysis

When the analysis of my personality was all said and done, I scored the highest as an analyzer/implementor. To quote the report, "These people place great value on quality and doing it right the first time. They have tremendous respect for precise rules and regulations, are meticulous with details, and tend to be orderly and well disciplined."

Some of the adjectives used to describe this personality type are:

Serene
Patient
Conventional
Methodical
Unwavering, steady
Detail oriented
Meticulous, high standards
Thorough, comprehensive
Assertive
Competitive
Adventurous
Accountable
Guarded, careful
Reserved
Observant
Logical

Since my personality style is almost exactly the same when I am at work or at home, it proves my point that I am the same person everywhere. If you see me at work, the hospital, grocery store, church, a concert, convention or at home, I am the same me.

I really enjoyed having the analysis done on my personality style. I guess that just proves the fact that my personality prefers that whenever possible, I appreciate others to "Provide details in writing."

It rather hits the nail on the head as the reason I love blogging...

"Provide details in writing."

Yep. Music to my ears.

With all that said, what is your cell phone number? I'm sure you want to get all those great factual text messages too.

Rockin' Friends Woo Us To Your Blog

Active Communication

English.

Telephone.

Forums and communities.

Spanish.

Non-verbal body language.

Yell.

Korean.

Twitter.

Face-to-face.

German.

Whisper.

Japanese.

Sign language.

French.

Crying.

Skype.

Blog comments.

Chinese.

Facebook.

Silence.

Every day we communicate with people in one form or another. Even silence and the lack of any message at all is actually a message. It is extremely important that we know how to effectively communicate our thoughts and needs.

Let me give you an example. A child falls down, scrapes her knee and runs crying to her mother. Obviously, the child's message is that her knee is hurting and she is seeking comfort. I don't think anyone could mistake what the child is saying even though she didn't use words.

There are so many ways to communicate with each other. A few things are required to have effective communication - a speaker and a willing listener.

If someone has a need to be heard, they must first express that need by sharing it with someone through spoken language, written words or non-verbal expressions. This is not always an easy task.

After the "speaker" has made their need to be heard known, a listener must be present and in the moment. Listening is a very active action. Saying "uh huh" while totally engrossed in a television show is not listening.

That brings us to a few other concepts that I've mentioned in an epiphany I shared earlier. It is as important to choose an appropriate time to express a need as it is to effectively communicate the need.

I know all that sounds really easy, but if it was that easy, no one would ever have their feelings hurt, there would be no fighting or divorce. The crux of all relationships is learning how to be an effective communicator.

Maybe in your head you are saying, "But I try and try to communicate and he/she just won't listen or acknowledge the topic I'm trying to discuss."

A huge trait of a good listener is unselfishness and sincerely caring, loving or at least having an interest in the message of the speaker. If two people are married, siblings, parent/child or best friends, I would think that a listener would incorporate all those traits.

Frustration, anger and hurt feelings happen when someone has a need to be heard, but no one seems to be listening. I know that it is rough being ignored or neglected. The behavior of a non-listener, over time, can destroy a relationship especially if a tragedy occurs. People who claim to love and care, but are unwilling to listen during unhappy, painful experiences, are selfish. Personally, I doubt the sincerity of their claimed emotions.

The solution to the listening dilemma can be easy. Knowledge is power, so here are a few tips to help you become a better listener.

Focus on the speaker physically and mentally. Remember the importance of maintaining eye contact.
Do not interrupt the speaker.
Think about what the speaker is saying before talking.
Ask questions to gain better understanding.
Deliver the appropriate action - help solve the problem, comfort, etc.

By developing good listening skills, relationships can be strengthened because understanding will exist. The more people understand each other, the less discord will exist between them. With practice, everyone can master listening.

Sounds so easy doesn't it?

Rockin' Friends Spotlight of the Week

Now, the time we have all been waiting for...(drum roll) This is the weekly post where I spotlight my Rockin' Friends who are the Top Nine active participants and loyal followers in my community! If you want to be mentioned here next week, then all it takes is to come in and start chatting with everyone in my community.

Below are a few discussions going on in my community :

Favorite thing about Fall?

What Can I Say? I'm A Post Counter Diva! --- (54,466 comments)

Name three things...

New Facebook page requirements? Secure pages only.

How does one turn off word verification in Blogger?

Are You Aware That There Is A Protest On Wall Street In NYC Now?

What Is The Book You Are Reading Right Now?

Oysters to Prevent Colds?

Is Anyone Interested in a Devotional Book Give-Away?

With a big, heartfelt thank you for their participation and friendship, here are the Rockin' Friends this week in order of most participation.

Meg at Mergie

Aleta at Aleta's Arty Facts

Teresa at Teresa's Thoughts And Ideas

Joan at Rich Beyond My Wildest Dreams

Katlupe at Homesteading On The Internet

Paula at The Wandering Hearth

Zany at The Zany Housewife

Pam (no blog)

Mama Penguin at Keeper of the Penguins

I'm so glad that I've been able to become friends with these wonderful people who are so active in my community. I encourage you to add their blogs to your blogroll, but also come over and chat with us in my community.

For everyone mentioned in the top nine this week, feel free to grab the Rockin' Friend badge below and thank you for your participation!!

Until next week...Kiss your family, hug your friends and don't forget to be the friend you would like to have around.

Woo Us To Your Blog

As always, attached is the weekly Linky to enter either the main URL to your site or add each post you publish throughout the week. You don't have to do anything special, just drop your link in and get a little extra exposure to your site.

The Redhead Riter

Sticks And Stones May Break My Bones

Sticks and stones really can break your bones, but contrary to the popular saying, words can and do hurt. Being on the receiving end of harsh or thoughtless words is not easy and is especially hard to hear if the person suffers from low self-esteem, depression or bad health.

Words.

What are words?

definition of word

A word is a bunch of alphabet letters put together into something that is said. All the words are then arranged into sentences and thoughts enabling people to communicate.

How carefully do we choose our words?

Every day as you interact with other human beings on this planet, you are involved in that moment with them. You do not know everything that happened in their past, how they feel or their thoughts even as they are speaking with you face-to-face.

I think disappointed and unhappy people often say things to manipulate a situation or another person. It is the "misery loves company" scenario. A person will feel better if they can put someone else down and discredit or shame an aspect of their behavior or feelings.

Too often people speak when they should just shut up.

Emails, text messages, letters or phone calls are filled with words that are completely inappropriate every day.

Words can be wrong.

False judgments, name calling or shaming are words that should never escape the lips.

What are some good words?

"Think before you speak" is definitely a good habit. There are some words that should be a regular part of our every day vocabulary. Words and phrases such as "please", "thank you", "you're welcome", "may I", "excuse me" and "I'm sorry" are not just nice things to say - they are necessary.

What about blubbering ignorance?

Hmmmm...

My experience with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) has opened my eyes to ignorant people. There are two kinds of ignorance:

The person is clueless, but after obtaining information, changes their behavior and or speech.
The person is clueless, refuses to learn or use the information that would save them from ignorance and thus continues to be unkind in their ignorance.

I have lost patience with people who have the second type of ignorance because they are not really ignorant. They are actually selfish and unfeeling. Let me give you an example: The Smith family has a very large dog with a huge bark and three young children. The Jones family lives next door and has no children or pets and both work the night shift. The Smith family knows the Jones family schedule. The Jones' have asked the Smith's to keep their dog and children out of the Jones' yard. Every day the Smith family lets their children run around the Jones' yard and play right outside the couple's bedroom window.

THAT is not ignorant.

THAT is the Smith family being blatantly selfish.

"Please do not hold back Redhead Riter," you say to me. "Tell us how you really feel about ignorant and selfish people."

Okay, I will, but in another post. I want you to remember that this post is about "words" and the good words you should incorporate into your communication daily.

Do you remember those magical words?

You will receive a test via snail mail in the next couple days (wink)

No matter what opinion you express, I am totally right and you are wrong. I know what I see and you can not convince me that it is any different than the view I see with my own two eyes.

Sometimes people are unwavering in their point of view. It is impossible to have a rational discussion with them because their mind and ears are closed. The conversation never happens and therefore compromise and understanding are impossible.

Parents often exhibit this type of behavior in the relationships with their children. Have you ever tried to offer parenting advice or an alternative solution to a mother or father? Not a good idea most of the time even if you have experienced the EXACT same situation with several of your own children.

Close-mindedness.

This attitude is not limited to just parents. People of every nationality, gender, belief system and age practice this pride-filled trait. Close-mindedness prevents us from experiencing the fullness of life.

I was outside the other day and it was scorching hot under the extremely bright midday sun. I impatiently waited on Alyssa to finish primping inside, but it was almost too hot to stand outside more than a few minutes. I don't sweat usually, so I was ready to go back inside to the cold air condition rather quickly.

Looking down at my glasses I could see the reflection of the sun, clouds and sky. It was really pretty and I could even tell that the sky was a vivid blue. Just then I heard Alyssa walking closer.

"Look at the sky Mom. The clouds are awesome," Alyssa said.

"I did."

"No, look now Mom!" she insisted.

Glancing down at the reflection in my glasses, I said, "I'm looking right now Alyssa."

Realizing how I was looking at the sky, Alyssa made a profound statement, "If you aren't willing to look at the sky differently - my way - you are going to miss out."

Obviously, I looked up.

Alyssa was right in more ways than one.

The sky was a vivid assortment of blues with puffy clouds that were not only white, but also had bluish hues. The sun was shining through some of the clouds and illuminated others around the edges. It was a sky that seemed so big and deep that I felt small.

I would have missed a breathtaking sky if I had insisted on only looking at it my way - as a reflection in my sunglasses.

What real reason did I have of not looking at the sky from Alyssa's point of view?

Why do people insist on not listening or looking at another person's view point?

Is it pride?

Laziness?

Intolerance?

Selfishness?

Maybe people are uncompromising because they exhibit a combination of some or all of those emotions. How much do we all miss because of our "in the box" view?

Hmmmm...I fear it is probably far too much.

You can keep looking into the upturned lens of the sunglasses, but look up at the sky every now and then too. You may be surprised at what you see.

Someone please get me out of this chaotic cabinet!

The people we collectively call "family" can, at times, have us teetering on the edge of sanity. Sometimes they push all our buttons and sometimes, all at the same time.

The Problem: Family Members That Offend You

As you know I have a very active community and sometimes the questions posted are extremely thought provoking.

Elizabeth posted the following question and gave us all a little history...

"Okay, so I don't usually get irritated, I don't get stressed out very much, and I hate confrontation. But my mother in law is staying with us for 3 weeks, my husband is on a 2 week break, my brother in law and father in law are also staying with us for 1-2 weeks each. I live in 1010 square feet. I know fridges get really full with extra people around, as well as the dishes getting used way more than normal, but what am I supposed to do when my mother in law moves all my food in my organized food cabinets (she moved it to what she likes), she moved all my dishes in my cabinets (to what she likes, even though everything had a place that you could easily tell where it went).

I'm going nuts. How do I nicely address this issue? Is this normal of family doing stuff like this when they come to visit?"

My Experience With A Mother-In-Law

When I gave birth to my daughter, my mother-in-law and father-in-law decided to visit us for the big event. I can't remember exactly what day they arrived after Alyssa was born, but I vaguely remember their visit. There were, however, a few moments that stand out greater than the rest.

To be brief, I will say that my body was not made for growing and birthing children which is why I feel quite thankful for my daughter. So after I returned home from the hospital, I stayed in the bed and didn't walk for a week. Actually, I crawled for about three weeks which is something I really try to forget.

So while incapacitated and asleep, my mother-in-law also decided to completely rearrange my kitchen. Alyssa's father came into the room and said, "My mom is rearranging all the stuff in the cabinets because she wants to be helpful." Then he bounced back out of the room. Men are oblivious to the "territorial homemaking rights" that women feel.

Actually, I think men are oblivious to just about everything women feel, but that is another post. (snicker, snicker)

At that point, I didn't care if she pulled all the cabinets off the wall and hammered them on the roof. I was happy enough lying in bed and staring at my child as she slept. I was mesmerized and often in total disbelief that I finally had a baby of my very own.

After a very short visit, my in-laws left and eventually I was able to function in my kitchen again. As I opened each cabinet, the items within screamed "I am so disorganized and I don't make sense being here."

Well, I didn't really feel like redoing my whole kitchen, so for a long time, the items hidden behind the cabinet doors remained the way my mother-in-law had arranged them. Eventually, I put most everything back except for a few things that did actually make more sense being where she had placed them.

My mother-in-law and father-in-law never visited us again. It was their one and only visit to our home. They would fly from one side of the country to the other visiting all their children, cousins and even some vacation sites, but never found the "time" to visit us except for that one time.

Needless to say, I was immensely hurt. I was married to their oldest son and Alyssa was our only child, but we didn't rank high enough for visiting. Obviously, I never really got over it even though I am now divorced and no one in the family has anything to do with me.

My Advice: What To Do When Your Mother-In-Law Rearranges The Kitchen

If you had asked me the question, "What do I do? My mother-in-law completely rearranged the kitchen!" just eight years ago, I would have given you a completely different answer. However, time has healed most wounds, life has gotten shorter and possessions don't mean as much to me any more.

You are married and totally capable of running your own home. Your mother-in-law is your husband's mother which means he has a whole bunch of history with this woman. So I would suggest that you tell your husband how you feel about his mother undoing your kitchen and have him talk to his mother about her behavior and motives.

I suggest this for several reasons:

Your mother-in-law is your husband's mother and therefore, he speaks her language better. She was the one who taught him to speak!
Your mother-in-law loves her son totally different than you simply because he is her son.
Your mother-in-law will not be offended by her son the way she will feel offended by anything you say that sounds critical of her or her behavior.
It is your husband's responsibility to stand up for you even if it is against the wishes of his mother.
You have better things to do than be stressed by your mother-in-law or her behavior.

After he talks to her and while she is still in your home, ask her if she would help you put everything back the way it was or assist you in starting completely over with the organizing because "two heads are better than one" and you would enjoy her company.

I heard you gasp in horror.

Look at it like this...

If your house burned down tonight, would the arrangement of all the items in the cabinet be worth arguing over?

I don't think so.

There is another lesson to learn:

Don't do this to your daughter-in-law or son-in-law some day.

What To Do When Family Members Hurt And Offend You

Everyone has a different personality, so inevitably there will be conflict. It is impossible to agree on everything and no one really wants that anyway. The world would be an awfully boring place if we were all the same in every way.

When family members offend you, the pain is much greater than when anyone else crosses you or breaks your heart. This circle of trusted people "know" you and have been incorporated in your life longer than anyone else. They are the people that you love unconditionally and you would die for them without blinking an eye. The love you feel is truly indescribable and etched within every atom of your body.

That is a priceless relationship and truly what makes life worth living.

When a family member offends you, 98% of the time it is unintentional. So with that in mind, rethink your actions/reactions to the situation long and hard. Are you without flaw? Do you ever make a mistake? Are you perfect in all your dealings with other people?

Get my point?

I think it was best said by Jesus Christ:

"Let him who is without sin
cast the first stone."

Regardless of whether you believe in Jesus or not, the meaning of the quote is the same. If you are perfect, then go ahead and judge other people harshly with an unforgiving heart. I mean, you're perfect, so you have the right to do so. However, if you are not perfect, it's a totally different story.

A few things to help overcome the hurt and/or anger:

Don't dwell on the "act" that hurt you. I know---easier said than done.
Don't try to get even or seek vengeance. Inevitably, you will be seen as more of a "bad guy" than the "bad guy" in the situation.
Talk with the person that offended you when you are ready and explain how badly their words or actions have hurt and/or angered you.
Don't let yourself be bullied by friends or the rest of the family to "just forget it" because only people with a brain disorder or disease like Alzheimer's forget events that easily. You need to work through it in order for the pain to go away. Stuffing it inside yourself is not healthy.
Recognize the value of the other person including their differences. Remember, they are human and members of your family. They love you. Maybe they don't love you like you love them or in the same capacity, but they still love you with all that they can at this moment.
Meditate. Meditate. Meditate. That means you need to turn off the radio and television. Try driving in the car with the radio off. It helps. I do it every day.
Seek peace through relaxing experiences.
Pray for guidance, peace, comfort and the ability to forgive.
Make a conscious effort to put the whole situation behind you.
Time heals. It may take a whole lot of time, but the farther you get from the circumstance that happened, the easier it will be not to feel so much pain around it.

Unless you live on an island all alone, you are going to have your feelings hurt or become angry at someone. More than likely, the person that causes you pain will be someone in your family because you have more interactions and/or history with them than anyone else on the planet. Healthy familial relationships are worth the effort to cultivate and maintain.

All-in-all, remember possessions and things don't really matter in the whole scheme of life. House, car, couch, dishes, jewelry, carpet or a million other things will all rot or break, but the love of a family can become like super glue and stick you all together forever.

Now that is my opinion. What would you do if your mother-in-law rearranged your kitchen without your permission?

Speak up because we are all ears!

Vile Language Weeds

After thinking it all the way through, I knew it wasn't a good idea, so I just kept my mouth shut. However, there have been many times, especially in my youth where I said it anyway.

I stepped outside the other day and noticed that the plants in the flower bed were really starting to grow proving that Spring had sprung. They had shot up pretty much in the same neat rows that they were planted, but each year brings about more shoots from each plant. I'm sure that eventually, unless thinned, the entire bed will be covered with green shoots and when fully grown will be a massive bed of leafy plants.

Now, however, they remain nice clumps of multiple green shoots like a family. There are individual members, but each have their own unique qualities. If they do things together, they will grow together toward the same end goal.

It takes a lot of sunshine, water and nutrients to keep the plants green and to enable them to grow thick and healthy. The same can be said about people. The fresh air, good food, clean water and vitamins enable our bodies and minds to grow or to remain healthy.

These plants, due to their close proximity to each other, experience everything together whether it be rain, clouds, hail, tornadoes, sunshine, snow, flood or drought. Families are individual members being pulled in all directions, but with a little effort and planning, can spend quality time together. Going through experiences together provides a foundation to build upon and later it can provide support during the rough patches.

Working through the good and bad times is important because we learn how to help those we love in a way that is comfortable to them. Happy, supportive families appear beautiful just as do the well tended plants in the garden. Everything runs smoothly when actions are unselfish, words are soft and support is given with love.

It isn't always easy, but in order to have solid relationships, it is totally necessary. Plus, the family is the place where children learn to become great companions and friends.

Each plant counts and each member adds value to the family. Since we are all unique, our differences can enhance our commonalities and bring interest to our every day lives.

However, sometimes the words that come out of our mouths are toxic, harsh and cause us to emanate qualities that are undesirable. The adage that "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me," is simply not true.

Words can pierce the very depths of our soul with searing pain.

The ugliness changes our appearance and begins to grow like a weed. If we do not rid ourselves of the undesirable trait, the weed of ugliness will take over. I don't know why, but ugliness always grows twice as fast as love and kindness. Before you know it, weeds of despair, discontent and depression rule life's flower bed.

Eventually, the whole family is engulfed in unhappiness and vile language which is evident even in their appearance in the community.

Teachers hold conferences with parents about the children's misbehaviors or inability to learn at the same rate as the rest of the class.

The parent(s) employment can be compromised because of the volatile feelings that flow over to co-workers.

It seems hopeless and the seeds of disharmony can spread to other families in the community.

With recognition of the problem, a steadfast effort to pluck the offending behaviors from their every day actions, the family can survive and also thrive.

Is this easy?

No.

Once plucked, will selfish, ugliness in actions or speech ever return to either one individual or the collective family?

Maybe, yes.

The important thing to remember is that together, as a family, there can be success if the individual members are committed.

So the next time you want to say the horrible cutting remark or lash out in anger with vicious and vile language, remember the weed. The green weed that sucks the nutrients from the plant. The big weed that blocks the suns rays from getting to the plant. The ugly green weed that destroys the plant and eventually kills it.

The death of a plant isn't a pretty sight, but neither is the dissolution of a family unit that was once filled with happiness and love.

Men and women communicate differently especially when it relates to matters of the heart. I'm going to be really blunt ladies...Men do more and say less to express love, so don't hold your breath for those three words that make your heart beat so hard that it breaks the stitches in your bra.

Saying "I love you" is very easy for women because they are usually all wordy anyway. Men on the other hand like to fix and do things to express their love emotions.

I know all women just skimmed through that without hardly a thought and men were saying, "Yeah, this woman has got it right!" That's why I'm going to repeat myself. Men DO stuff for women to show love, devotion and commitment.

I know, I know. You want to HEAR the words. Yeah, those words are nice, but hadn't you rather hear them less frequently, but know that he is REALLY feeling love deep enough to say it?

Ways Men Say "I Love You" Without Words

Men do so many things for women that I think often go unnoticed and unappreciated. On behalf of men everywhere, I would like to list a few of the labors of love that women should take the time to notice.

Day after day, he takes out the trash. No, he doesn't wash the trashcan, but he doesn't even notice the hardened jelly and smeared peanut butter left behind from the bag that split because you over stuffed it.

The clock alarm goes off and he drags himself to a job where he makes money to help support the family.

The lawn is neatly manicured and he puts the cow manure in the flower bed so that you don't mess up your freshly manicured nails.

You crawl into the bed, plant your cold feet on his legs and all he does is suck in a deep breath.

He lets you tell him what to buy you for your birthday, anniversary and Christmas in spite of the fact that you drag him from store to store for eight hours on a Saturday that he doesn't have to work.

The car is filled with gas, the oil changed, windshield wipers smooth against the glass, and the whole car remains clean.

He buys you cards and flowers even though he thinks they are a frivolous waste of money.

Tires on the car are filled with the correct amount of air and the little black caps cover the spot where air is put into the tire.

He checks the house when you are scared of a strange noise that you know must be a burglar.

When you are giving birth to his children, he provides emotional support while you scream, "It is all your fault!"

He always says that you are beautiful. Yes, he says it more when he wants to make passionate love to you, but he wants to make love to YOU. Don't forgot that part.

The next time you feel a little low or unloved because you need to hear the words of emotion, all you have to do is ask him. A man wants to please his spouse, so give him the benefit of the doubt. As long as you don't expect to hear it every hour, he will oblige and say, "Olive you."

Comments Don't Lie and Mental Telepathy

Surfing.

Commenting.

Surfing some more.

Commenting over and over again.

Then suddenly, I was reassured that having red hair was meant to be...

red hair comment

Comments don't lie.

I thought it was rather funny which is why I saved it, but things like this happen to me all the time.

Back in the day when ignorance was blissful, I went to college. I was doing fine living at home, but Mom insisted that I "go away so that I could meet eligible men and get married."

Silly woman.

I was so lonely.

Really, I was miserable.

In those days, long distance costs were as much as two house payments and a tractor. Of course, the cell phone didn't exist either. Yeah, I was raised in the dinosaur era.

Anyway, when I just couldn't stand being home sick one more minute, I would sit and stare at the phone so that Mom would call me. Most of the time it was in the wee hours of the morning which meant that I would have to wake Mom up from a sound sleep by just thinking loud. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it works for us.

On one of those lonely nights at about 2:00 a.m., I sat staring at the phone willing my mother, who was a thousand miles away, to wake up.

After a few minutes, my phone rang.

"Hello?"

My mother's groggy voice on the other end said, "You just woke me up from a sound sleep. Is everything okay?"

I was thrilled that she picked up my "vibes," but I sure felt stupid for waking her up after she answered. I mean really, I was twenty years old, not five!

My point is not that I have any special powers, however, I have a very strong love for my mother and vice versa. We are "in tune" with one another and just "know" things about each other without being told.

This didn't happen overnight.

It took time. Not just a quantity of time, but also quality time. We have paid attention to each other and listened in order to know each other. As time has passed, those things have simply become a subconscious part of our relationship.

A relationship that is treasured and filled with love.

There's only one way to know each other that well...

You must make a sincere and concerted effort in the good times and the bad. This is true for any relationship not just parent-child. I think that five of the most important characteristics in obtaining this type of relationship is the desire to truly know the person, honesty, willing to listen, unselfishness and love.
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Do I think it is worth it?

Oh yes.

I love you Mom.

No, it isn't Mother's Day or your birthday, but I thought a surprise post just for you might brighten your day. I know you are having it tough, so hang in there. Many people love and care for you. How can we help it? You are an amazing woman!

The daughter from whom there is no escape (wink),

How well you know someone is directly proportional to the amount of time you communicate, share and spend with them.

Being cared for, loved, and understood is a two way street. It requires the willingness to share yourself and for someone to spend the time needed to understand and appreciate the information shared.

Let's use me as example. My mother knows me on so many levels, but that is only because we have spent time together and have talked for numberless hours. We have shared the highs, the lows, the happy and the devastating. I know she loves me and vice versa. Mom knows me.

For instance, Mom knows that...

My favorite cookie is thick chocolate chip hot and fresh out of the oven.

I could live in the library with the lovely smell of books.

I feel a great sense of peace listening to the crash of waves on the beach.

I am not motivated by money and power. I just want us all to live comfortably without fighting and have plenty to eat and a roof over our head to protect us from the elements.

I am terrified of heights and bridges.

I love learning.

I miss the days when Alyssa was young and we played all day.

I love the memories of Alyssa's childhood

I feel happy in the snow and love being all snuggled in warm flannel clothes.

I love easily and I'm easily hurt.

Jesus Christ is the center of all my choices even though I often fall short and choose unwisely.

There is no shortcut or substitute for getting to know what makes a person tick and all the intricacies that make them a unique individual. Society understands this concept although sometimes subconsciously. Don't we think it is just absolutely marvelous when someone has been married fifty years or when friends started their friendship in first grade? Yes, we do and that is my point exactly.

If you feel unloved and do not have any friends, look in the mirror. You have a wall around you that not only do others avoid trying to penetrate, but you also do not open the door to let them know you are available to be loved. It is worth taking the chance and making the effort to have these relationships. No, they will not always work out, but when they do, they are priceless.

Rockin' Friends Spotlight of the Week

This is the weekly post where I spotlight my Rockin' Friends who are the Top Nine active participants and loyal followers in my community! If you want to be mentioned here next week, then all it takes is to come in and start chatting with everyone in my community.

With a big thank you for their participation and friendship, here are the Rockin' Friends this week in order of most participation:

Joan at A Bad Marriage Is Fattening

Kim at The Zany Housewife

Marlene at Marlene's Many Hats

Katlupe at Homesteading on the Internet

PJ at PJ's Prayer Line

Kristi at The Child Sensitive Communication Grid

Lori at Lori's LOLz

Paula at Love Is A Journey

Jamie at Avant Garde Parenting

This week the special spotlight is shining on Joan of A Bad Marriage Is Fattening. Joan's "About Me" is as follows:

"Joan Oshatz has a Master of Fine Arts in Screenwriting from UCLA School of Theater, Film and Television. She has written two screenplays, Kidnapping Margo Sterling and June Bride Feldman.

Joan’s blog A Bad Marriage Is Fattening is a literary mélange of humor and pathos which she plans to publish as a memoir.

Why does Joan write about a bad marriage being fattening? Because she is an expert on a bad marriage and gaining weight, having been in her own bad marriage for twenty years. She went from 125 pounds at the beginning of her marriage to 275 pounds by the time her marriage ended and she divorced her physician husband."

You don't have to read Joan's blog for long before you realize that she has "imaginary conversations with many people" in her life.

Just like me, Joan has a wonderful relationship with her mother and I say "has" because even though people pass from this world, they truly are not ever gone from our lives.

"Last night I started to think about my mother. Nobody has ever loved me as much as my mother did. Even when we had our differences, I always knew that Mother loved me. And nobody has ever given me better advice than Mother."

In I Am Not My Weight - I Am So Much More Joan has a conversation with her mother that is a definite "got to read" post.

I'm sure we can all find something to relate to in Reality Sucks when Joan faces reality instead of continuing in denial. It is such a shame that we can not keep our heads in the sand sometimes, isn't it?

Obviously, Joan's marriage to her husband was not filled with a whole lot of happiness. After reading Love Is a Mutual Misunderstanding, I think can all relate to a relationship where we are perceived as being the "bad guy" or "the stupid one." It definitely creates an ocean of pain.

I know that so many people chase after and often marry the wrong person. Then in hindsight we wonder if we had gone slightly insane to do such a crazy thing! Well, Joan can understand this just just like we do because she has lived it.

Another great post was about Joan's plan to lose all her weight as outlined in Accountability and it is so true that Addictions Are Hard To Break regardless of the vice. Last but not least, YOU JUST HAVE TO READ My Mad, Passionate, Wildly Sex-Crazed Nights With My Refrigerator to truly appreciate Joan's genius.

I'm so glad that I've been able to get to know Joan better since she has become active in my community and by reading her blog. Be sure to add A Bad Marriage Is Fattening to your blogroll, but also come over and chat with Joan in my community.

The community challenge this week was an effort to promote your blog with style. Thank you to all the participants for working so hard at making the community a success and challenging yourself this week. Not only the community benefits, but we all have been able to support and encourage each other which is an invaluable experience.

The winner of the challenge is:

Joan at A Bad Marriage Is Fattening

I'm sure we are all quite happy that Joan won this week since she almost brought us a salad that would feed 491 people in a one of a kind Swavorski Crystal bowl to our Block Party! Congratulations Joan! A warm thank you for being our Rockin' Friend! We all appreciate the effort you have made to get to know us better and the support you have shown in our individual blogging efforts.

For everyone mentioned in the top nine this week, feel free to grab the Rockin' Friend badge below and thank you for your participation!!

Until the spotlight next week...Happy Chatting Rockin' Friends!

Don't forget to add your blog URL to the Linky at Woo Us To Your Blog and learn blogging tips that will help you have a polished blog and to increase your traffic! This week it is all about the Alexa Toolbar!! Did you know that it could help your PR ranking?

Until next week...Kiss your family, hug your friends and don't forget to be the friend you would like to have around.

Forever grateful for my mother,

The Redhead Riter

I had an epiphany last night while I was tweeting. For those of you that do not have Twitter (a fantastic social media tool), tweets are 140 character messages that you send to a specific person or to anyone reading the stream of chatting.

I wasn't just sending out random sentences - I had actual conversations with other people, but some of my tweets went like this...

That's when the world stopped spinning and everyone on the planet stood still. Do you recall when that happened? My next tweet could be the catalyst that ends all arguing between men and women. This is the tweet verbatim...

Advantage of Twitter: 140 characters is the length of speaking women should use when talking to men They like the facts without fluff. :o)Think about it for just a minute.

Women talk so much that there is a common knowledge joke of "Yes, Dear." Surely you've heard that one or maybe you use it.

Imagine if all women talked to men in segments of 140 characters or less, the problem of losing a man's attention would be non-existent! No arguments either because not one woman would have to say, "Are you listening to me?" since the length of the woman's conversation would not go over the amount of time men have the ability to be alert and listening.

No cut to men.

Actually, no cut to women either.

We all have value and our differences make us interesting, so no offense meant to anyone. Just my fact filled opinion which must be right since I'm a redhead (wink). If you don't understand that sentence, befriend a redhead and it won't take you long to be in-the-know.

If it would make the men feel better and improve communications, I think women should adhere to the 140 character limit during conversations with the handsome gender. I know you are probably thinking that I surely can't be a woman, but let me assure you that I am! I'm just a tad bit different than many women. As a matter of fact, the guys at lunch think I have so many "manly attitudes" that they nicknamed me Steve. I told them if I was going to have a man's name, I wanted to have some input, so I renamed myself with a first and middle name - Steve Emerson. Anyway, my point is that I can feel the dilemma men often find themselves in during conversations with women that they communicate with on a daily basis! Sometimes even I want to say, "Shhh woman!" because the chatter is never ending about the most MUNDANE things - at least to me and many men.

Can I get a High Five men?

I mean really, I can only listen to conversations about shopping deals, haircuts and makeup for a limited amount of time. It remains interesting to me in smaller bites and I think men are somewhat the same way. That is why 140 character conversations between men and women would work so great!

Let's try it.

Woman:

Man:

STOP LADIES! You just made a huge mistake. Choose the time you talk to your man with care and consideration for his ability to concentrate on the thoughts and words you are trying to convey. Take my word for it...During a football game is NOT the time.

Let's try it again.

Three hours later when the football game is over and the man is flipping from channel to channel on the television without any interest in any of them...yet...so don't take too long to start up the conversation.

Woman: Honey, I need you to do something for me?

Man: Yeah?

Woman: Would you take out the trash?

Man: Sure. (He makes no movement and is still sitting on the couch.)

Woman: When?

Man: When do you want me to take it out?

Woman: Now!

I have a whole group of ladies from the school coming over and I've been cooking a ton of stuff for the luncheon and there are all kinds of cans, peels, and paper that I had to throw in the trash and it smells so stinky because I used an onion when I was baking the chicken and then I had to make those little sandwiches for the children because they won't like the...Honey? Do you hear me?

Man: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz along with loud snoring sounds.

Now who do you blame for the trash not being taken out?

No, no, no! You can't blame the man! He doesn't care about anything the woman said after the word "now!" If she had stopped after the first word, his attention wouldn't have disappeared. He couldn't help it. She was being bor-ing!

Let's try the end of that conversation again.

Man:

Woman: Now! (Hold you tongue! Don't say anything else! Nothing!)

Man: I'll do it in ten minutes.

Okay, I said the communication would be better, but I didn't say that men would do everything you wanted them to do, when you wanted them to do it and how you wanted it done.

It was an epiphany, not a miracle!

Embracing my masculine side,

The Redhead Riter

a.k.a. Steve Emerson at lunch

I'm not telling this story to slam my husband, but our relationship isn't perfect and I'm sure yours isn't either. This concept surely isn't a huge secret. We are all human and have blips on the screen, bumps in the road, cracks in the roof - however you want to characterize it. Basically, we have bad days and this is a perfect illustration, so I'm going to use it.

Besides, my husband doesn't read my blog any more anyway, so it will be our little secret.

Shhhhhhhhhh.

I can name the times on one hand that I've locked my keys in my car and that is quite an accomplishment if you consider my age.

So picture this....

Alyssa and I had just spent an hour and a half with a photographer who is going to take her senior picture. Then I went to my therapy appointment where the good doctor was golden bronze from his week at the beach with his family. I don't think I heard anything he said for an hour because I sat coveting his tan.

Sorry that I have so much tan envy. Yes, I've got it bad. I want to be brown if only for an hour.

Anyway...

I knew I needed to pick up my prescriptions, but I hadn't talked to Mom yet and it was already 7:30 p.m.

While sitting in front of the store, surrounded by a semi-dark parking lot with my car doors locked, I talked to my mother for about ten minutes. Then I hung up, stuffed my purse under my arm, opened the car door, stepped out into the stifling heat, pushed the car lock down and slammed the door closed at the same moment that I spied my keys sprawled across the passenger seat.

I don't know why, but I felt panic!

I immediately called my husband and he thought I was joking. Eventually, I convinced him that I really was locked out of my car!

So the white knight should come riding up on his stallion and save the damsel in distress, right?

Wrong.

Remember, it's not always white lace and roses.

Tom eventually drove to be with me and called the guy-who-unlocks-car-doors-for-distracted-people. He got so mad (strike #1 because I was already stressed) when the dispatcher ask him if the keys were on the driver or passenger seat that I had to finish the conversation. Eventually I was told that the guy-who-unlocks-car-doors-for-distracted-people would be with us in an hour which meant that Tom and I had to....wait.

I got in Tom's car and preceded to wait.

Quality time, right? Please, don't make me roll my eyes at you the way Alyssa does when I remind her to "be good" when she goes out with her friends.

Let's stop the story there for a moment and talk about a few facts:

I work as hard as my husband
I don't demand a lot of him
I have only locked my keys in my car a few times in my lifetime
I've had a lot of trauma in my life lately
I didn't lock my keys in the car on purpose
I'm a good wife
I do many things for my family because I love them
I am often inconvenienced by my family's requests which I perform anyway, but often don't get thanked

Back to the story...

Tom complained with words and body language the whole time we sat in the car and I felt like a huge aggravation in his life. (strike #2)

Regardless of the topic, he found fault with me and made sure that I knew I fell short of the mark. (strike #3)

By the time the guy-who-unlocks-car-doors-for-distracted-people got to us, I was leaning on my car alone. Tom was parked several aisles away in a mostly empty parking lot in the dark. Obviously, the interior of his car was too unpleasant for me. (strike #4)

Pause for a second.

Maybe you are wondering what the heck a sprinkler picture has to do with this story. I'm going to tell you, so don't stress the gray matter.

Our actions affect everyone we come in contact with every day.

I lost my keys which affected:

my husband
the man on the phone at the 1-800 car-unlock service
the woman on the phone that dispatched our service call
the guy that unlocked my car

Just like a sprinkler that spits water all over the surrounding grass, our words, actions, reactions and nonverbal body language also touch other people's lives all day long.

Let's keep going and take it off pause.

At one point of the conversation with Tom in his car, I asked him, "Do you treat people like this at work?"

"No," he said quite disgustedly, "I'm a professional at work."

So let me get this right....

Tom had rather treat everyone that he doesn't know really great because he wants to keep that professional image, but since I am just the lowly wife who keeps the home clean, has supported him while he has been jobless, shops for the groceries, cooks, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, it is okay to treat me with disrespect? (strike #5)

Something doesn't look right about that picture.

Think about it you all...you got married because you LOVE each other and WANT to spend the rest of your lives together or that is what you said anyway. Don't you think the right thing to do is SUPPORT each other ALL THE TIME? I mean, really, are your co-workers going to be standing by you when you are on your deathbed or will it be your spouse? If you spouse was abducted by aliens right now, would you feel guilty because you didn't get to say one last apology for the brutal words you left at parting?

Be careful with the water from your sprinklers. Make sure the water doesn't shoot out too hard or that you deprive the grass of the needed wetness to quench it's thirst in the sweltering heat.

Are your water droplets welcomed or do people and your spouse want to put on raincoats and hold umbrellas to keep them away?

I'm sure I could have thought of another story to illustrate my point, but I bet you will remember this one a whole lot longer and it might actually make enough of an impact to motivate and alter poor behavior. Besides, the next day he apologized and I forgave him. Yes, that quickly and now it is over only to be remembered by millions of people on the internet scattered all over the world and in "my journal blog book" that will be printed for my daughter at the end of the year.