The Redhead Riter - Witty, Intelligent & Addictive: Chuckle of the Day

Showing posts with label Chuckle of the Day. Show all posts

Chuckle of the Day - A Close Shave For The Aging

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

Chuckle of the Day - Three Friends

source

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives."

Al said: "I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!'"

Chuckle of the Day - The Stolen Car

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.

I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered. I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice, "Ken," she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

Diane retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!"

Chuckle of The Day - Hearing Aid, Senility & Pearl

Senility

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'

She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'

She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.'

I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'

She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

In Your Ear

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'

Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?'

She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'

The Pearl

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.'

The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

Chuckle of The Day - The Toilet Seat

The Toilet Seat

My wife had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.

We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. She wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

(Try to get a mental picture of this.) The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her

Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them....I just never saw one mounted and framed."

Are You Bored?

Just in case you have ABSOLUTELY nothing better to do and you are COMPLETELY bored, I have something to entertain you.

Yes, you will feel like a child again.

Seriously! It will be fun!

Just click on the picture of the doorstop shown above and then when you see another picture, click on it too.

Yeah, I'm easily amused, but I bet you smile.

Chuckle of the Day - Old Age and Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes,' she says, 'I remember it well.'

'Okay,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Fred! You old devil! That sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, 'I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.'

So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, 'This is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.'

As the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

Chuckle of The Day - 46 Interesting Adult Truths

I love fun and funny facts or truths.

I also love men. They are so different when compared to women.

No, really!

No, really! I'm being honest!

Men have so many unique qualities and attributes that make them interesting, perplexing and exciting.

So keep remembering what I've said as you read all about some adult truths. When you get to the last one that is about men - just smile.

{{{{hugssss}}}} to all the men! We DO love you!

46 Fun and Interesting Adult Truths

Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
When you are young, someone always tries to steal your nose.
Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
Someone, somewhere will always be offended.
If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he’ll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she’ll pack 21 outfits because she doesn’t know what she’ll feel like wearing each day.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize that you’re wrong.
30 seconds after permanently deleting/throwing/burning it, you need it.
I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
90% of women wash their hands after using a public restroom; 75% of men do.
There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
There needs to be a chat emoticon that rolls it's eyes.
An average woman speaks about 7,000 words a day; an average man speaks about 2,000.
How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
Nothing is ever as simple as it first appears.
Was learning cursive really necessary?
The more you know, the more you realize how little you know.
When a woman dresses up to go out, she puts on a blouse first. Pants come second. Men work it vice versa.
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
The more it hurts to learn something, the longer you will remember it.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
Women, no matter what size, are always going to be insecure about something on their body.
I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.
There’s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you’ve got your hand or head stuck in something.
Bad decisions make good stories.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection… again.
I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
You can't plan to be spontaneous.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
It's the small stuff that gets you in the end.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Woman have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
Those books you set aside to reread someday? You won’t read them.
I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
Your computer will always crash 1 second before you remember to save.
How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you didn’t hear a word they said?
Every time you drop a buttered slice of bread or toast, it will always hit the floor buttered side down.
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
Shirts get dirty. Underwear get dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
Triangular cut sandwiches always taste better than square ones.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey ~ but I’d bet everyone can find the snooze button from 3 feet away in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
Things are always in the last place you put them and the last place you think to look.
The first testicular guard, the “Cup”, was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies, shhhhhh. You'll just make it worse.

Chuckle of the Day - Redheads, Genie & Money

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.

He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "Okay, okay. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive my car there?"

The genie laughed, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete-how much steel! And the maintenance of that bridge! No - think of another wish."

The man said okay and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I'm married to a redhead. So, I wish that I could understand her... know how she feels inside and what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment... know what she really wants when she says 'nothing'... know how to make her truly happy... I want to know how she can be so sexy one second and be the Devil's daughter, the next. I really want to understand her and how she thinks!"

The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his redhead wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

So he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just! before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?!!!"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

Chuckle of the Day - Redhead Fishing & Surgery

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although the wife wasn't familiar with the lake, the redhead decided to take the boat. She took the boat out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.

Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "Isn't it obvious?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.

"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.

"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true," she replied, "But you do have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a redhead

A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs under the covers.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his groin area hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it off.

Written in large black letters across the tape was the sentence: "Get well quick..... from the redhead nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

Chuckle of the Day - Ducks In Heaven

Because it is Monday...

Because I like laughing especially on Monday...

Because laughing is good for me and you...

Ducks In Heaven

Three women die together in an accident
And go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And although they try their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day,
The second woman steps accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter,
Who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together
With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months
Without stepping on any ducks,
But
One day St.Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on....
Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being
Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,
'I don't know about you,
But I stepped on a
Duck.'

Chuckle of the Day - Cop and Congress

The Cop

Congress

A driver enters a freeway only to be caught in a traffic jam.

At first, he thinks there must be an accident. But then he sees a group of people running between the cars and knocking on driver-side windows.

Finally, someone knocks on his window. When he rolls it down, the person says, "A terrorist group has just kidnapped Congress. They're asking a $10,000,000 ransom payment in 24 hours. And if they don't get it, they'll douse Congress with gasoline and set them on fire. I'm here taking a collection."

The driver asks, "On the average, how much have people been giving you?"

The man replies, "About a gallon."

Chuckle of the Day - Teen At The Food Court

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. Dad is now 66 years old.

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid....

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my kid."

Cute, huh?

If that gave you a smile today, you might also want to read the Chuckle of the Day - Burglar. It's really cute and is about a parrot.

Chuckle of the Day - I Hate To Ruin Your Day

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. " We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up .

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

Chuckle of the Day - Grandpa And The Frog

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land!"

The Aging Cell Phone

I just got my new cell phone, and it's one that I can understand, outsmart, and know how to operate!!! I got it at the "Verizon Cell Phone for Seniors store" at the mall!

Stay Out Of Jail

If you ever get the sudden URGE to run around naked, you should sniff some Windex first.

It'll keep you from streaking.

Windex

Dinner With A Redhead

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table...He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place.. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies, 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

glass eye

Chuckle of the Day - The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 a.m. for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 a.m."

He left the note where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 a.m. and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 a.m . Wake up!"

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Chuckle of the Day - Devoted Husbands

I dare say that this is not really what most women have in mind when they think of "happy marriage" or "devoted husband," but it does make you wonder. Humor is usually based on reality, so I am guessing that the scenario pictured below has happened to someone!

(rolling eyes)

Chuckle of the Day - Geography of a Woman & Man

Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past..

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

Geography of a Man

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

AP Photo/Mehr News, Sajjad Safari)

I have too many friends that are men, so it is best if I do not comment.

(silently laughing my head off)

Relax! It is just a joke!

Chuckles of the Day - The Amish Elevator, 11 People On A Rope

I had several wonderful things happen to me which I want to share...but not in this post. Instead, I want to share a couple more fast funny stories to lighten your day.

Laughing feels so good...

Amish Elevator

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an overweight, older lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother.'

rope

11 People On A Rope

Eleven people were hanging on a rope
Under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all
So they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person,
Until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
Because, as a woman,
She was used to giving up everything
For her husband and kids or for men in general,
And was used to always making sacrifices
With little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech,
All the men started clapping...

Men, you know that was funny. Go ahead and laugh.

Chuckle of the Day - Last Words , Wear Your Glasses, Two Girls In A Box

"I love people who make me laugh.
I honestly think it's the thing
I like most, to laugh.
It cures a multitude of ills.
It's probably the most important thing
in a person."
~Audrey Hepburn~

The Pastor

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an Internal Revenue Service agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here? The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go.

Wear Your Glasses

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the "old guys".

So I did this, and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts?! You're almost 70 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even received a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do...I signed up for five jumps a week !

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.

"Don't think.
Thinking is the enemy of creativity.
It's self-conscious
and anything self-conscious is lousy.
You can't "try" to do things.
You simply "must" do things."
~Ray Bradbury~

Two Girls And A Box

Watch it in awe, but believe it.
You can do anything.