This Side of Happy

Inside, the pain is so intense you want to die.

You are hurting so bad that you are sure the world is going to just stop spinning and everything will end.

And yet...

The sun still rises in the morning.


People are still laughing.


Children frolic.


Then the sun sets into the distant horizon.

It can't be true!

It is still there...deep, hollow, gut-wrenching...

Have you ever felt that much pain?

Think back to the day your heart was completely broken. The day when the person of your affections was gone...

It doesn't matter why or how, the pain is still the same.

Unbearable.

You bury your head in your pillow in the middle of the night and sob so hard that you can't breathe. Nothing matters. The pain fills your body, mind and soul.

Rational thought disappears.

All you know is pain, personal loneliness and sorrow.

The future can not enter your psyche...it is an impossibility.

There is no future.


There is no happiness.


There is only pain and sadness...unbelievable sadness.


Excruciating sadness.

When you move, everything about your body feels heavy. It is almost impossible to lift one foot up after another to walk. The mouth muscles refuse to even fake a smile. The salt from your tears has made the skin under your eyes tender and raw. Breathing is labored. You want to scream, but it would take too much energy. Your heart aches.

The depth of pain is past all that you have ever experienced.

Not everyone has this experience.

I have felt this depth of pain.

I know the dark abyss of drowning in sorrow.

When I love someone...it is completely...with everything that is me. I look past their faults, I forgive their flaws and I enjoy their goodness.

I give everything. I give too much and expect too little of others. Unfortunately, this sets me up for heartbreak.

I have loved...then lost the person...not the love. I picture "love" as a tangible object. It is here and you are able to touch it like a flower in full bloom. Then, for whatever reason, the "relationship" ends. The "love" is put into a box in the far depths of the heart. Depending on who, what, when, and why, you add a lock or many locks on the box. Sometimes you look at the box. Sometimes you touch it. Other times you dare to unlock and open it. Sometimes, by no choice of our own, the box is opened by someone else or something else, like a sound, a place, a smell or even a circumstance.

It is during those "open box" moments, that you discover how far along you've traveled away from the pain. You've healed or maybe you haven't healed.

Love is pure. Love is right. Loving is not wrong. How far we act on the love may be wrong, but loving itself is always right.

"Falling in love" is different than "loving". When you love, it is an affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests. Taking that love further...Falling in love is to suddenly and passively feel an attraction based on sexual desire and tenderness of affection.

You can love or fall in love with someone not suited to be a friend or companion in your life. When we force that type of relationship, it often leads to the pain spoken of earlier. Being on this side of happy, life is not creative, peaceful, exciting or hopeful.

There isn't an easy way to catch your breath while sobbing into the pillow. The pain is too tangible, complicated and personal.

Having friends and family will help when navigating your soul through this experience. They can actually buoy you up and point you towards the light of a promising future. They are not always right nor do they always say and do the right things. It doesn't feel helpful and appears to be more intrusive, however, they can clearly see the horizon. Take advantage of their vision.

Lean on them for support.

Grieve.


Then grieve some more.


Forgive others and yourself.


Have peace become your goal.

Unclutter your life by turning off the radio...turning off the television...stay home...read books of motivation and self-help...hold your family...cry on the shoulders of your friends...find accomplishment in doing the dishes and cleaning the bathroom.

The pain will lessen.

The love will start walking towards the box where it will remain...forever.

One day you will wake up and find that the journey was painful.

You are a better person.

You have much to offer and receive.

You do not stare at the phone that doesn't ring, pace the floor, or sob into your pillow any more.

You can continue...


And flourish...


Without the pain...

Where the birds sing, food has a taste and you can feel appreciation for the past, the present and the future because

You have crossed the line and are on the other side of happy.

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...And This Is What I've Become

You've heard it over and over, "Practice what you preach" or maybe "Do as I say, but not as I do." The most infamous which I dislike the most, "Because I said so." I think that was my mother's favorite answer to my millions of "Why?" questions. Unfortunately for her, I still ask the same question and she is still going crazy over it.

I don't like making mistakes, so if I can avoid one by taking advice, I try really hard to take it and change my actions or circumstance. The advice I usually find hardest to take is my own. Isn't it that way with everyone? A friend can ask you a question and the words flow like lava from a volcano, but if you put the mirror in front of your face to take the advice and incorporate it into your own life...HELP!

Yesterday in my post I basically gave the advice to "stop and smell the roses" because time continues to fly by so quickly and the important things in life may be slipping through the cracks. I took my own advice.

I must have appeared like a woman gone mad. I spied the perfect subject for a great blog photo to show that I was noticing the little things. I pulled into a parking space, leaped out of the car with my cell phone/camera and started chasing after the duck and her little chicks. They were not cooperative! I only wanted a picture!


I laughed when I got back into the car knowing how funny that whole scenario must have looked to a stranger. Quite satisfied with my National Geographics photo, I enjoyed the rest of my day.

The evening brought even more adventure since Turtle needed more food. There were rows and rows of turtle food jars filled with various stinky morsels on the shelves at the local pet store. Who would ever believe that turtles need such an assortment for their dining experience?

I have always gravitated to the fish and while taking pictures, much to my daughter's embarassment, I thought about the limited life experience of being confined to a fish tank. I can hear a therapist telling me that fish do not "feel" the way humans do, but that is really beside the point. Give me a little line and go with the flow.


W.L. Bateman said, "If you keep on doing what you've always done, you'll keep on getting what you've always got." Often I find comfort in doing the same thing and going to the same places. Change is uncomfortable because we can not see past the moment we are experiencing and our fear for what "may" happen is often overwhelming. That fear holds us back from new and often fantastic experiences.

When I was an introverted fourteen year old, I went to a "special" church dance. My mother had sewn a beautiful pale pink dress with tons of lace all over it. I truly felt beautiful. There was an older boy named Scott and I just adored him, but always from afar. He was tall, blond, blue-eyed, charming and cute, but I was seriously too shy to ever talk to him. I had decided before going to the dance that I would break out of this shyness and be a new me. I would dance and have a good time.

Filled with hope and looking my best, I arrived and immediately found a chair close to the wall. I gave the term "wall flower" a whole meaning. The room was filled with laughing, happy teenagers and great music. The air was electric with the energy that youth exudes.

I sat.

I continued to sit.

I watched Scott dance memorizing every grin, smile or laugh that crossed his face.

I wished that I could be more self-assured.

I tried so hard to muster the courage to be different.

If he asked me to dance, I wanted to say "YES!" and have the most glorious moment of my life.

The night wore on and the laughter continued as I sat in the same chair.

Immovable.

Wishing.

"Dreams" by Fleetwood Mac began to play.

Then, like a scene from Cinderella, Scott walked over to my chair.

He "knew" that I "liked" him and unbeknownst to me, the feeling was mutual.

Scott asked me to dance.

"No thank you."

"Please dance with me."

"No, I can't."

"Yes you can!"

"No, I really dance terrible."

I did dance horrible, but that was not the point. I could not make myself get out of the chair and dance even though I wanted to say "YES!" more than anything.

Scott knew I was shy, but he was determined. He would not leave and kept asking me and giving me reasons to dance with him.

I thought the world would end when, in the crowded room, he got on his knee and begged me to dance with him.

The tears fall now recalling the pain caused by inhibitions that held me back. I remember every nuance of the room and his face and my pounding heart.

He held my hand, told me that I was the most beautiful girl in the room, and begged me over and over to dance with him.

I couldn't.

I just couldn't get out of the chair.

Scott eventually gave up, Mom drove me home, and I cried into my pillow most of the night.

That experience changed my life. I became even more of an introvert and so much of life's experiences passed me by because I simply gave in to my fear. That fear was real and almost tangible. It deprived me and gave nothing back in return.

I grew up, but every time "the" song played, I remembered, regretted and for many years, I wept.

Much later in life, I decided I couldn't stand that fear or the introverted girl inside of me. I wanted to banish them forever! So in an all out war with myself, I was forced to leap into the total darkness of change to become the self-motivated, extrovert that I am today.

I can stand in front of any crowd, any time, anywhere and talk about anything. I will not live within a fish tank. There is so much I can experience and I will continue to step into the darkness expecting happiness.

I tried doing the Beyoncé bootie shake dance, but my daughter told me to never do that in public or private again.

I guess I still can't dance, but I won't ever be a wall flower again.

Look out Beyoncé!

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It's Jagged, Raw and Real...It Hurts

I sobbed.

I couldn't get it off my mind for weeks and the tears would well up in my eyes and eventually cascade over onto my cheeks.

I've done what she did...what am I saying, I am doing it still.

Not as often any more and I'm going back to try and undo what I've done in the past.

It has been years since the first time I received this in an email. Now I have received it again. I think it was supposed to come popping into my account..."You've Got Mail" that familiar voice echoed in my office.

I was especially quiet and reflective anyway. That one email changed my day...

Again.

Maybe I am just a very emphathetic individual. I know I'm extremely visual. Intense words float into my mind and create images that attach to my heart. That's when I lose the control. My soul grasps the emotions which lie so precariously on the edge of my heart. The feeling is deep and engulfs all rational thinking that could keep me detached.

I know after the first line how the short paragraphs will end. Yet, I can't make myself tear my eyes from the words...

"A friend of mine opened his wife's underwear drawer and picked up a silk paper wrapped package:

'This,' he said, 'isn't any ordinary package.'

He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the box.

'She got this the first time we went to New York, eight or nine years ago. She has never put it on because she was saving it for a special occasion.

Well, I guess this is it.

He got near the bed and placed the gift box next to the other clothing he was taking to the funeral home. His wife had just died.

He turned to me and said:

'Never save something for a special occasion.

Every day in your life is a special occasion'.

I still think those words changed my life.

Now I read more and clean less.

I sit on the porch without worrying about anything.

I spend more time with my family, and less at work.

I understood that life should be a source of experience to be lived up to, not survived through.

I no longer keep anything.

I use crystal glasses every day...

I'll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, if I feel like it.

I don't save my special perfume for special occasions, I use it whenever I want to.

The words 'Someday...' and ' One Day...' are fading away from my dictionary.

If it's worth seeing, listening or doing, I want to see, listen or do it now...

I don't know what my friend's wife would have done if she knew she wouldn't be there the next morning, this nobody can tell.

I think she might have called her relatives and closest friends.

She might call old friends to make peace over past quarrels.

I'd like to think she would go out for Chinese, her favourite food.

It's these small things that I would regret not doing, if I knew my time had come..

Each day, each hour, each minute, is special.

Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no-one."

Now I have read it again.

I can smell the potpourri in the clothes drawer. I can see his eyes misty with sadness. I feel his pain.

I don't want to regret. I don't want to let the moments pass without saying what I really need to say or experiencing the joy in every moment.

I'm not going to save "things" any more. I'm not going to "wait" for a better opportunity to tell someone how much they mean to me. Life is too short and just keeps getting shorter. I'm not wasting my opportunities again.

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How Much of My Soul?

I have been contemplating to what extent I am willing to share "myself" with the internet's population and in essence the world. I wouldn't say "the world" except that according to my NeoCounter located in my right side bar, my blog has been hit with viewers from 34 countries. With that being said, there are different feelings and events that human beings share with family, friends and acquaintances. Some feelings you never tell anyone (they remain personal secrets forever) while other emotions you share with everyone. How much of my soul am I willing to put on paper in an attempt to help others with their life experience? Well, that too is a hard question to answer because I AM a "people" person who is private. This juxtaposition is part of the uniqueness of my character. Rather than answer that question, I posed it as, how much of my soul am I willing to share with those I love in an attempt to improve their life experience? That answer was easier for me.

As I have struggled with the answers to these questions, serious introspection has taken place. This process of examining my mental and emotional characteristics and well being has not been easy. How many people really want to stand in front of the proverbial mirror and be totally honest? I would say that those people are in the minority or our population. If this wasn't so, why do people start therapy and when the going starts to get rough and honest, they quit? Self-examination is not an easy task. Actually, it is more of a chore and unless it is to help change take place, what is the point?

During this process, I am becoming even more aware of who I am, what I like, what makes me tick, what gives me hope and what makes me happy along with all the antonyms of the previous adjectives. I am one person in the middle of a huge planet...can I really make a difference to anyone? I've decided that I am going to try, knowing that it won't be easy. I will try to be open, honest, sincere, and to tell of the experiences that I know many others also must "go through" in this Earthly existence.

To begin this journey, my blog's format will be to break up a posting into different sections which will represent distinct portions of my life experience. On some days I will have one posting with one subject and other days I will have multiple postings covering all subjects. I want to post my blog entry when I am "in" the experience and the emotions are raw and at the surface. To date, my writing has been disjointed information and experiences. I am aiming for a more cohesive, helpful and entertaining blog.

I will begin with something that I am very comfortable doing and that is making a list. This will be the division of topics of exploration and aspects of my life that will be discussed. In no special order, the essence of the format topics:

• I Want A Baby
  
  
• "Older" And In Love
  
  
• Parental Opposites
  
  
• Aging & Disease
  
  
• Rights of Passage
  
  
• Aspirations & Dreams
  
  
• Obsessive Love & OCD
  
  
• My Best Friend Is Gone
  

Let me start by telling you a little bit more about who I am...the real me.

I'm a natural redhead who was born with bright orange, naturally curly hair that my mother put rollers in to give me a bouffant style. If you don't believe that, check out my profile picture. It really makes me laugh and I'm sure it will give you a chuckle as well. I used to be covered with tiny freckles that I wished would join together on one spot of my body so that I could be at least tanned in a two inch by two inch spot.

I loved and love school. I love the "smell" of school. That fresh paper smell when you open a book all the way and bury your nose in the pages. I love the "feel" of intelligence at school. The books that line the library walls filled with words of great people with fantastic life altering ideas and accomplishments. I love the "look" of school with the tidy chairs placed in an organized arrangement and huge boards full of color on every wall. School offers the hope of tomorrow and the thrill of accomplishment.

I was born into a relatively small family. I was the first grandchild to both sides of the family and the first of two children born to my parents. My mother is the first of four daughters and my father is the only child. I was not born in affluence, but I have always been blessed with food to eat and a roof over my head.

Those are just a few things about me, the Redhead Riter. I invite you to walk this path and share in the experiences of my life (my Soul Map) as I impart them to you, one day at a time...living every moment.


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