I'm Like The Six Million Dollar Man

While I have been recategorizing all the posts on my blog in the pre-move to WordPress, I've had the pleasure and the pain of rereading many of my posts. I didn't really realize how much I had written and I've covered a multitude of thoughts, memories and experiences..

Now it is Autumn.

When the leaves turn bright colors and begin to fall on the ground, I have a vivid memory of my dad's short fight with cancer and the emptiness I feel now that he is gone. My parents divorced when I was nine years old and I ended a sixteen year marriage with Alyssa's dad during this time of year.

Those experiences bring about terrible memories.

Painful memories.

However, the pain heightened an awareness in my soul that shaped and molded my personality in a way that nothing else could have done.

I actually moved on from those moments in my life as a different person. Looking back, I realize that all three of those experiences were greatly influenced by Dad's choices which ultimately affected me in one way or another.

Long before Dad died, we had not only made our peace and all issues were confronted, but we developed a father-daughter relationship. I was glad that I was available with an open heart for my Dad when he was ready to have me in his life again. After so many years of yearning for a relationship with him, I was finally able to enjoy one. We talked to each other at least twenty minutes to an hour every day. Actually, I listened way more than I talked, but it is a hard gap of time to fill without him.

I miss listening to Dad's voice every day.

I quite simply just miss Dad.

I miss the little things: the smell of his Old Spice, his white fuzzy socks, his laugh and the way he made me laugh every day with a joke or by recounting his silly antics. I miss hearing him say he loved me.

As time has passed, many aspects of my life have changed. I'm a different person today than I was two years ago because of the experiences I've encountered. Actually, I'm dramatically different in many ways and I've learned a very important lesson.

"Life is change."

The goal of surviving through pain and/or trauma is to become a better person with more understanding after living through the changes.

I have progressed and no longer look down when I walk with hopes that the earth will swallow me up. Even if there is a bump in life, I can still see possibilities for happiness.

I have hope.

I'm like the "Six Million Dollar Man" from that television show so long ago...."I'm better than I was before - better, stronger, faster."

Okay, maybe I'm not faster or stronger physically, but emotionally and mentally I am much faster and stronger. No matter how you look at it, I am better.

I know I am better.

I have survived and now I am flourishing.

I may still sometimes hang my head from the weight of problems that rest on my shoulders, but I know that everything will work out and I'm going to be fine. The possibilities for a life filled with happiness are limitless and that's why when I look down, I'm still looking up.






Now, the time we have all been waiting for...(drum roll) This is the weekly post where I spotlight my Rockin' Friends who are the Top Nine active participants and loyal followers in my community which has THE BEST people in the world! If you want to be mentioned here next week, then all it takes is to come in and start chatting with everyone in my community.

Below are a few discussions going on in my community :

• It's Marlene Barber's Birthday November 25th! Let's Wish Her A Happy Birthday!


• What Can I Say? I'm A Post Counter Diva! --- (58,285 comments)


• I Upgraded to WordPress (Self Hosted)


• Do You Feel Trapped In A Situation That You Feel There Is No Way Out?


• Something I wish was still sold in stores...


• When do you cook Thanksgiving dinner?


• Go Between Friend


• Embedded Blogs and The New BlogFrog


• Do celebrity moms set unrealistic expectations for everyone else?

With a big, heartfelt thank you for their participation and friendship, here are the Rockin' Friends this week in order of most participation.

• Joan at A Bad Marriage Is Fattening


• Katlupe at Homesteading On The Internet


• Carol at ArtMuseDog


• Marlene at Marlene's Many Hats


• Teresa at Teresa's Thoughts And Ideas


• Jedd at Jedd Meir


• Fawn at Happy Wives Club


• Kristi at Child Sensitive Communication Grid


• Mama P at Keeper of the Penguins

I'm so glad that I've been able to become friends with these wonderful people who are so active in my community. I encourage you to add their blogs to your blogroll, but also come over and chat with us in my community.

For everyone mentioned in the top nine this week, feel free to grab the Rockin' Friend badge below and thank you for your participation!!



<a href="http://www.theredheadriter.com" target="_blank"><img style="width: 150px; height: 150px;" border="0" alt="Rockin' Friends" title="Rockin' Friends" src="http://i622.photobucket.com/albums/tt308/TheRedHeadRiter/2009%20TEMPLATE/69015f9c.jpg"/></a>
Until next week...Kiss your family, hug your friends and don't forget to be the friend you would like to have around.

Woo Us To Your Blog

As always, attached is the weekly Linky to enter either the main URL to your site or add each post you publish throughout the week. You don't have to do anything special, just drop your link in and get a little extra exposure to your site.

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Brain And Heart Connection During The Storm

One beats while the other thinks. Two totally different functions, but surely there must be a connection between the brain and heart. Have you ever had your heart hurt so badly that you get a headache or your brain thinks so much that your heart starts to feel numb?

The Heart's Brain

In 1991, neurocardiologist, Dr. J. Andrew Armour's research showed that there is a sophisticated and functional nervous system that qualifies as a "little brain" within the heart. That means the heart can learn, remember, feel and sense, independent of the cranial brain.

Most of the time the communication between the heart and brain work great, but it is not always necessary for the two to share information. For instance, when someone receives a heart transplant, the nerve fibers running through the vagus nerve and spinal column do not reconnect for quite a while and sometimes, they never reconnect. However, since the heart has its own intrinsic nervous system, the heart transplant will still be successful. The brain and the heart can act independently, yet together. Obviously, the 40,000 neurons in the heart's nervous system are quite smart collectively.

The other night, I was sitting at the computer when I heard a HUGE sound of thunder and looked out the window just in time to see a big flash of lightning followed by more thunder. My first thought was to turn off the computer and television. I was in the middle of watching The Notebook and typing a blog post, so I did not really want to stop just for a storm. It was a short lived storm and was soon completely gone with no ill effects to the computer or television.



The storm passed.

My brain understood it.

My heart was happy since it was very involved in the love between the two characters in The Notebook.

The brain and heart were talking to each other without any problem.

The Brain and Heart Walk In The Storm

Sometimes the brain and heart share an experience that totally messes up their communication. I only saw my parents have one argument and that was shortly before they were divorced. I was only eight years old and totally oblivious to any problems between my parents. The three of us were standing in the kitchen one early evening and I suddenly realized that Dad was very angry. He reached for the dishwashing liquid and started squirting it all over Mom. She did not scream or try to reciprocate against him, but just stood there as he dumped the soap on her.



I freaked out.

Seriously, I totally freaked out.

I saw Dad doing something mean to Mom and since I did not understand what was happening, I was very frightened. I was so scared that I started screaming.

Uncontrollable screaming.

Screaming at the top of my lungs.

I could not stop.

My parents had stopped fighting because they realized that I was freaking out. I remember they were both speaking to me because their lips were moving, but I did not hear anything. All I knew was that this loud screaming noise was coming out of me and I had no control of my voice or my shaking body.

As I recall, Mom had to slap my face (not hard) to get my attention and snap me out of the screaming fit. After the screaming stopped, I collapsed in my mother's arms and sobbed. I had witnessed Dad's terrible storm of emotions. My young mind did not understand it and since I loved them both, my heart ached.

Shortly thereafter, Dad moved, the house was put up for sale, Mom went to work and I became a latchkey child. Each afternoon, after I got off the bus, I took the silver key that hung around my neck on a pink piece of yarn and babysat myself until Mom got home. Dad had taken most of the furniture, so the house felt very empty. As a matter of fact, the master bedroom was completely empty which really made the whole experience very sad.

During the time when my brain was trying to understand the whole concept of divorce, my heart was aching. No matter how many times my mother would say that everything was going to be alright, the message just did not seem to get to my heart. I missed Mom being home all day and I missed Dad coming home each evening. I longed for the life that "used to be" and was scared of the unknown future that loomed ahead.

It took years for me to understand my parents stormy divorce and even longer for my heart to heal from the pain and loss. The important thing to remember is that I did heal. The storm may have lasted for many years, but eventually the clouds broke and the sun shined brightly again.

No Brain or Heart Is Exempt

Everyone has experiences that are not very pleasant as well as those that are extremely joyful. No heart or brain is exempt from learning to cope with the hard times. Life is filled with opportunities for us to experience every sensation known to the human body. No two people have the same set of experiences nor do they react exactly the same as another human being. Each person that walks on this planet is completely unique and that makes our co-existence even more interesting.

Often, people do not have the capacity or desire to understand things that they have not personally experienced. I have found that people have several reactions to other people's trials and bad experiences. They either:

• ignore it
• make a joke out of it
• act like it is not such a big deal
• have compassion, but no understanding of the problem
• totally comprehend the pain of the situation because they have lived through a similar circumstance
  

My storms have taught me that it is always best to be compassionate even if I have no understanding of another person's dilemma. It is the humane thing to do. It is the right thing to do. No heart or brain is exempt from the trials of life. Mom always said that everyone will eventually meet their Waterloo.

Mom was right.

After every storm the sun will smile;
for every problem there is a solution,
and the soul's indefeasible duty
is to be of good cheer.
~William R. Alger~

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The Gumball Tree

The melodic creaking from the porch swing was peaceful as I sat next to Mama Minnie in silence. My little legs were so short that my feet barely hung off the seat as we glided forward and backward. Wind whistled through the screened open windows and occasionally the wooden door rattled just a little.

Mama Minnie and Daddy Cecil lived on a farm in a typical farm house with crops, animals and lots of interesting things that I never saw in the suburbs at our home. My great grandparents were the oldest people I knew and when they smiled, their eyes twinkled. Visiting them was always a thrill.

Dad walked onto the porch and asked, "Do you want to get some gumballs?"

Mama Minnie stopped the double wide porch swing and Dad helped me jump down onto the floor. My black patent leather shoes clacked against the wood of the porch floor. I always thought that they made me a "big girl" because they made the sound of women's high heel shoes.

The Gumball tree, planted directly in front of the house, was very tall and big around. A mature gumball tree can reach heights of more than one hundred feet and as much as sixty feet wide. The proper name for this tree is an American Sweetgum, but it is also called a Redgum, Star-Leafed Gum or just a Gum tree. To me, however, it was the Gumball tree.



The seeds of the Gumball tree are found in a pointed, spike shaped ball that is green in color. In time, the balls fall to the ground, dry up and turn brown. That is when the fun begins!

Leaning over, inspecting one small brown gumball at a time, I searched for the "good" ones which meant that none of the spikes had been crushed or broken. Dad grabbed a couple and started throwing them out into the yard so far that I could not see them hit the ground.

I thought Dad was as strong as Superman.



Getting dirty was not an option for such a prissy little girl, so I held a gumball in one hand and searched for another one with the other hand. As I happily explored, Mom had joined Mama Minnie on the porch swing, talking and laughing as the creaking continued.

Squatting down to look closer at the gumballs, I continued my search. This one was bent. That one had a bug on it. While yet another one did not have enough spikes. Finally, I saw the perfect gumball. I carefully inspected it for oddities, but it was truly perfect.

I stood up and walked over to Dad. "Look Dad," I said, holding the gumball up and squinting in the bright sunlight, "this is a good gumball."

Dad reached over and tousled my curls, chuckling a little bit.

I tiptoed through the grass to the steps of the porch. Eagerly I went in and showed Mama Minnie and Mom my prized gumball. They smiled and Mom acted like it was the first time she had ever seen a gumball. I obviously was very proud of this great find.

On the two hour trip back home, my gumball was either held or lovingly placed on the seat next to me. I stared it because it held a magic power...memories. The gumball could take me back to Mama Minnie and Daddy Cecil's front porch. It made me feel special because Mom was so proud that I had found the perfect gumball in the middle of thousands that lay on the ground under that huge tree. One prickly, brown gumball could have me standing next to my Dad who was better than Superman.

Yes, the gumball was magical.

I walked through the park as the sun was setting a couple weeks ago, just looking at the beauty of nature around me and soaking in peace. At the edge of the clump of trees, there were honeysuckles, buttercups, butterflies and...

Then I saw it.



Laying on the dried leaves was the magical gumball and I was immediately thrown back to being a dainty three year old surrounded by people who loved me. Much to my embarrassment and without warning, I burst into tears. At first, it was tears of sadness because Mama Minnie, Daddy Cecil and Dad have passed away. The memories of each of them weighed heavy on my heart, but soon the pain subsided and was replaced with thankfulness.



I was abundantly grateful that my mother is still alive and that I was loved, cherished and nurtured as a child. As I took pictures of the gumballs, it was almost as if my loving family was there with me.

A familiar feeling of safety and well-being washed over me.

Life may be hard, but I have people that are rooting for me to win this awesome challenge. They want me to succeed and experience happiness. I felt so loved in the middle of the park taking pictures of gumballs and the wonderful feelings softly surrounded me as I walked back to the car.

Yes, the small, spiky, brown gumball still held the same magical powers.




"What matters in life
is not what happens to you
but what you remember
and how you remember it."~Gabriel García Márquez~

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Grow Where You Are Planted

At one point of my life, I was extremely poor, but I was too young and broken-hearted to realize it. My dad had just divorced my mother and moved into a very posh, adult only apartment complex. He paid very little child support and only had visitation on Saturday. Dad had tons of girlfriends, fancy jewelry and clothes, ate whatever he wanted - whenever he wanted it, and eventually being a father got in the way of his fun.

My sister and I lived with my mother in a non-posh apartment complex. Actually, we did not leave at night because it was too dangerous. Mom worked three jobs to support us and sewed all of our clothes. We were on a tight budget...a very tight budget. At the ripe old age of ten, I was the accountant and balanced the checkbook. Although we did not have everything we needed and definitely not what we wanted, my sister and I had the most important thing of all - a mother who loved, sacrificed and taught us how to be good people.







I love my parents; both of them. I also totally understand the human aspect of why they made the decisions and choices that led their paths in different directions. Even as a young child, I recognized the dramatic difference between the lifestyles, beliefs and values of my parents.

One was selfish and the other was not.

One told lies and the other did not.

One loved us when it was convenient and the other loved us with every action, unconditionally.







Some portions of my life have been happier than other times which is normal. The life experience can not be 100 percent euphoric no matter how hard we wish.

Time, life experience, good teachers, a loving mother, therapy and prayer finally helped me to have a forgiving heart. It also allowed me to reach out and enjoy a relationship with my dad without expectations.







Driving from Williamsburg to Richmond, I passed a beautiful bunch of flowers. To my amazement, they were surrounded by nothing except rocks. Dry, hard, lifeless rocks.

These beautiful flowers were growing where they had been planted and not half-heartedly. The flowers were vibrant, large, healthy and absolutely gorgeous.

This plant probably had to fight the rocks to grow which was not a small task. However, regardless of the hardships, this plant has hundreds of gorgeous blossoms.

I have "thrived" in life even though there have been many "rocks" in my path. From my humble beginning where there was so much love that the walls could hardly contain it, but not enough food and money, to the very busy day I had today, the main lesson I needed to learn was...Grow Where You Are Planted.







There will be rocks and sometimes boulders, but just keep growing.

Bloom with all your might and strength.

Bask in the sunshine and drink in the rain.







Reach upward to new heights and experiences with a fiery passion.

No matter where you are, who you share your life with, what your age is or how you do it, just do it...







Grow, bloom and flourish where you are planted.

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Not Just A Blue Jean Imprint

After sitting down at my desk this morning, I reached for my glasses. Just as I was slipping them onto my face, I noticed that the right lens had something on it. Pulling the glasses back off my face, I held them up to the light so that I could see the location of the smudge. However, it wasn't fuzzy at all. Smack dab in the middle of my lens was a perfect fingerprint.

I'm sure it couldn't be anyone's except for my print because they are my glasses. It could even be proven scientifically because every person's fingerprint is different. No two people have the same print which is totally phenomenal if you think about it. Billions of people and every print is different.

All those wiggly lines make up a unique fingerprint for an equally unique individual. No two people think, look or act exactly like another human being - not anyone who has lived, now lives or will ever live on this planet is the same. Each person makes some kind of contribution, print or stamp in history.

When my Dad died on October 15, 2010, I obviously grieved. Even when I was trying to be brave, living without him on Earth was too much pain for me to wrap my mind around.

Today, after seeing that fingerprint on my glasses, I thought about the imprint that Dad made in his life. His family and friends all had a personal relationship with him that was exclusive of all others. Each connected with him in their own way and vice versa.

Day after day Dad lived his life touching other lives along the way and making his historic print on the Earth. What kind of imprint did he make with his existence? It made me contemplate how my life might look when it is over.

I reached into the box of Dad's clothes after I got home tonight and pulled out a pair of blue jeans and a t-shirt. As I drew them close to my face, I could faintly smell his soap. I buried my face in his t-shirt and felt an ache in my chest begin to open.



Meanwhile, my mind drifted off to a sunny day when I hugged his neck and could smell Old Spice. I lingered in those lovely memories only a moment because the flood gates had opened and my tears were swiftly falling down my cheeks.

Jeans and t-shirts don't last forever and neither do our lives.

Like the hem of our jeans, sometimes we get a little frayed, but we refuse to give up or completely fall apart. We try to hold up our end of the responsibilities that fall on our shoulders and keep on moving along.



There are many experiences that put a hole into our hearts that can't always be mended. We learn to live with them and hope that others will accept us in our imperfect state.



Many stitches are visible on the jeans, but there are many more inside. The threads that show on the outside have a different purpose than the hidden stitches inside. Removing a few stitches here and there could be the demise of the whole pair of jeans. So it is with our lives...a hour here and there can totally change our lives for the good or the not so good. We can hide our actions and no one will see them, but eventually every experience has an affect on the outside of our body and the rest of existence.



Each minute of our life is but a stitch in time and history. How are your stitches holding up to the test of time?

What kind of statement are you making with your life?

Dad may be gone, but he left a whole lot more than just a blue jean imprint on me. I miss you Dad wherever you are tonight.

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Goodbye Dad - I'm Missing You Already

When Dad actually passed away, my heart exploded with pain. I am so grateful that he didn't have to linger long and suffer the way I know so many people do when they have cancer, but it really didn't lessen the agony of having him leave.

Dad had a lovely service and he had even written a goodbye letter. It was nice to know that he loved me as he proclaimed it to all who were attending the farewell in the same church where he married my mother almost fifty years ago. Words of love, hope and comfort were spoken by all and the choir raised their voices to the songs that Dad has chosen to be sung.

It was just so sad for so many reasons. I can't pick up the phone and call him any more. There won't be another holiday that he will share with the family. There is no possible place that I can go to get a hug from Dad or hear him say he loves me. I feel as though a piece of me is gone and I guess it really is gone.

I keep trying to tell myself that life is just a blink and before I know it we will be together again, but I do not feel any comfort in that knowledge today. I even know that he is happy with all those that have gone before and I am so thrilled for his happiness, but that just doesn't lighten the sad loneliness I feel as he continues to run through my heart.

I want to thank all of you for offering prayers and comfort in many forms. Tina from Little Tots Big Ideas sent me this poem and I thought I would share it with you since it is so beautifully written.

May I Go Now?
by Susan A. Jackson

May I Go? May I go now?
Do you think the time is right?
May I say good-bye to pain-filled days
and endless lonely nights?

I've lived my life and done my best,
an example tried to be.
So can I take that step beyond
and set my spirit free?

I didn't want to go at first,
I fought with all my might.
But something seems to draw me now
to a warm and loving light.

I want to go. I really do.
It's difficult to stay.
But I will try as best I can
to live just one more day,

To give you time to care for me
and share your love and fears.
I know you're sad and so afraid,
because I see your tears.

I'll not be far, I promise that,
and hope you'll always know
that my spirit will be close to you,
wherever you may go.

Thank you so for loving me.
You know I love you too.
That's why it's hard to say good-bye
and end this life with you.

So hold me now, just one more time
and let me hear you say,
because you care so much for me,
you'll let me go today.

Most people just die suddenly and no one has the opportunity to tell them goodbye. I have thought a lot about that and so, I've already told Mom that I love her more than words can say and that I will miss her desperately when she is no longer here on this earth. I even told Alyssa as we were driving back home that I am so grateful to have her as my daughter and have cherished every moment.

I want all my relationships to be neat and tidy with love coming and going without regret. That is even part of the reason why I write this blog. If I can post ten years of "Happy Birthday" posts filled with love to each of my family members just in case I am not around, I think that alone would make it well worth the effort.

Before I close this post, let me just say that I am truly thankful for my family - their love and sacrifices on my behalf. There are simply no words to thank my mother for giving me life and teaching me how to choose the better part and the way to incorporate it into my every choice. I am thankful for my beautiful and loving daughter who has made my life worth living and gave it more meaning than anything else I have ever done. My heart is full of appreciation for my friends both seen and unseen - their generosity, patience, thoughtful kindnesses and assistance with so many endeavors and experiences. Most of all, I am thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who gave me the opportunity to return to Him some day. I believe He allowed me to be born in this era and location with the people and opportunities that have made my life so rich with love.

Take the time to appreciate all the people, things and opportunities that enrich your life and share your grateful heart while you have the time.

Dad loved listening to Elvis Presley sing and so I leave you now with one of his favorites which he wanted played as the closing song at his service.

Goodbye Dad, I'm missing you already.




Loving you forever and thinking of you always...
until we meet again,

Your Little Red

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Dad is Gone and I am Grieving

I just don't have it in me to post much today.

I posted this in my community last night...

At 12:01 a.m. my Dad passed away. I am so happy that he did not suffer for years like so many others, but I am so sad for me.

I wanted to thank you all for your constant prayers and well wishes on his and my family's behalf. Your encouragement has been appreciated more than my written words can express.

I just scheduled Tweets on Twitter and posts on Facebook to honor his memory all day long. I am going to share happy memories with everyone and it helped being able to express them as I typed. I hope you will read them and count your own blessings.

Life is so very short. Dad was only 68 and I desperately wanted him to live with me so that I could recapture a childhood that I didn't have with him. Now, I can't and I feel a huge empty loss for me.

Once again, thank you so very much for your support through not only my Dad's passing, but also a few months ago when I nearly lost my one and only child. If I could, I would hug you all.

You do not have to have a Twitter account to read the things I wrote about my dad. Please feel free to read them. They started way early the morning of October 15th and won't end until later that night. If you click "more" at the bottom of my Twitter page, it will keep populating all my tweets (tweets are little messages I post on Twitter)

Here is my Twitter ---> http://twitter.com/TheRedheadRiter

I did find out today that Dad will be buried next to his grandparents on Sunday.

I've cried all day. I wish my tear ducts would go on strike.

Hold your family and friends tighter because unlike me, you may not have any time to say your last goodbyes. People leave this life in an instant and we just don't know who is next or when, where, how and often why. My daughter just found out one of her friends also died last night. He was only twenty years old.

Don't waste the opportunity you have now to forgive, forget, love and move on together with a happy life. Take time to be with one another so that you have beautiful memories when they are no longer around.

I'd like to believe that Dad had a lovely greeting from his family and Jesus after he stepped out of his cancerous body last night. That is what I'm trying to dwell on now...Dad is finally pain free and happy.

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Dad's Highway

When bad things happen, the logical mind tries to make sense of it all. Life is often compared to school, however, all aspects of life are not logical. For instance, if I do not listen in class, read the material or do the homework, I will probably fail the test. That makes total sense.

Life isn't like that at all. People can live an unselfish life, try hard to do the right thing, etc. and then get shot and killed during a bank robbery, have an unexplained heart attack, be afflicted with an inoperable brain tumor, or be a passenger on a plane that has problems and explodes in mid-flight.

Bad things happen to good people. THAT is the logic albeit hard to conceive.

"Time goes by so fast,
people go in
and out of your life.
You must never miss
the opportunity
to tell these people
how much they mean to you."

I took a long, emotional trip with Alyssa this weekend to see my dad. We went in Alyssa's car and she insisted driving most of the way. I watched her, marveling at how quickly time has passed because I'm sure yesterday she was a toddler running around in diapers. It is almost inconceivable that now she drives a car and will soon graduate from high school.

I've been in constant contact with my brother who has been telling me on the phone that "Dad looks good," but two days before I visited, his health drastically plummeted. Upon walking into the room to find him sleeping, I had to choke back a sob and went quickly to another room to get control of myself.

He doesn't look "good" at all. He has the look of impending death and hopelessness.



I didn't need anything during this visit with Dad because we've already said our goodbyes, but I wanted to be there to show my support of my brother, have Alyssa experience the potential shortness of life, and if at all possible, to just say "I love you" one last time face-to-face. No matter how many times I say those often life changing words, it never feels like I've said it enough.

A few minutes after my arrival, Dad awoke and for a brief moment, he was lucid. When I said, "Do you know who I am?" he quickly replied. So I told him those precious three words and he repeated them back to me. That was the only conversation we really shared and it was more than I even hoped.

Dad spent most of the time sleeping and I simply stared at him. Numerous thoughts and emotions passed through my mind as I watched him sleep. I need comfort and I know that only God can provide that for me so I was willing Him to reassure me with a calm spirit. I needed it to flow over me like a river - something obvious.

So I sat hoping for a feeling of peace.

"Time is too slow
for those who wait,
too swift for
those who fear,
too long for
those who grieve,
too short for
those who rejoice,
but for those who love,
time is eternity."
~Henry Van Dyke~

I watched as my brother would administer medication and lovingly rub Dad's chest and head. It was obvious that there is an abundance of love between them and I had to squelch back tears for all the missed opportunities in my childhood when Dad was absent. I can not change the past and I no longer have any hope to some how cushion the pain with a future including Dad.

I have to cope with all the disappointment, pain, grief and loneliness.



Consumed in my grieving thoughts, I glanced over at my daughter to see her quietly reading a book. My heart overflowed with love for her at that moment. Alyssa was there for me and giving me unspoken support and comfort. When she glanced up and smiled, two memories of my life flashed through my mind...

I was playing with a rubber ball in the front yard and watching Dad throw it as high as he could. It nearly disappeared and then when it came down, I eagerly tried to catch it.

Then I was pushing Alyssa in the swing in the back yard of my own home while she giggled and said, "Higher Mommy!"

Alyssa was looking at me quizzically now, so I just smiled. I've been a good mother and always there for my daughter while loving, caring and doting on her. My dad has been tormented with guilt at not being around for me and although I have truly forgiven him, there is a big hole in my heart that still aches to be filled with memories made by doing things with him.

"A goal without a plan
is just a wish."
~Larry Elder~

Alyssa won't have to feel that way about me. We've experienced so much together that the memories overflow like a happy bowl of ice cream.

In that heart wrenching moment with Dad, I had a heart filled with love for a daughter that truly cares for me, a mother who has sacrificed much for me, and a father who gave me all the love he could give - it was his all and everything he could give to me. I have so much to be grateful for and wonderful memories still to make with those still living.

Dad's time on life's highway is almost over and I'm sure it will be a blessed relief to relinquish his cancer ridden body to the grave.



Late last night I started making Dad's funeral program, I cut and pasted in the dark with only the light from my monitor illuminating the room. It was during the wee hours of the morning while typing the words of my heart that I felt peace. Dad will leave soon to be with his Creator and he will be so much happier - free from pain, heartache, disappointment and finally have acceptance of the gift of forgiveness we have all freely given him. Dad gave all that he could at the time and learned so much during the latter part of his life. Can anyone ever ask for more than "all" from anyone?

I can't and I won't expect more from people than I they can deliver, no matter what others feel or think about them. It just makes me feel like a hypocrite to expect perfection from anyone because I'm not perfect either. We all make mistakes and I hope God throws all of mine off the cliff never to be remembered again. I'm going to look forward to making happy memories with my still living family and honoring the memory of my Dad when he passes. I'm looking forward to seeing all those who love me and have passed from this mortal existence when it is my turn to leave. I think it will be a beautiful reunion.

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Scrubs, Hospice and Dad

Sitting in a sterile hospital room with a very sick person who sometimes is on the brink of death is a humbling experience. My nursing talents consist of Band-aids, Neosporin and tears, so I feel lost even helpless amongst the large chrome encircled bed, hanging bags of fluids, beeping machines, and efficient, knowledgeable staff in nursing uniforms.

The nurses and doctors have been the faces of comfort during emotional strife in their very recognizable scrub sets. To me, they truly are angels of mercy for whom I am very grateful. First they helped save my daughter's life and now they are helping my father as his life ends. The emotional roller coaster for these medical professionals must be hard to "leave at the office."

Nurses work very long shifts spent taking care of people and saving lives. I love the "scrub" look because it isn't too dressy, but doesn't look scruffy either. It helps that the fabric doesn't hold wrinkles, so even if they have worked too long, their uniforms still look fresh. I was actually surprised how affordable they are at Nursing Uniforms and thought this would be a great alternative to the dreaded "moo moo" that my daughter says should not be legal on my body There's no way she would complain about these cute scrubs because I know she already wants a black and pink pair. .

During the past couple of years, I have seen the inside of a hospital far too much. I'm always very frightened and panicked because someone I care about is hurt in a way that I can not fix or make it go away. That is such a helpless feeling to be completely reliant on others to make a pain go away or repair something that is wounded.

Dad isn't in the hospital any more and won't be because of a specialized service that is assisting him. Hospice is a type of care and a philosophy of care which focuses on helping the terminally ill die with a semblance of dignity and with little to no pain. Their sole purpose is to relieve the suffering of people that face inevitable death. They do not try to find a cure, delay, stop, or reverse the progression of the disease.

Whether you are in a nursing home, hospital or at home like Dad, hospice is still an alternative. The nurses that work for the hospice program are specially trained for this type of care which includes not only the body, but also their mental and emotional needs.

Each day, the hospice nurses sit and talk to Dad, assist with his meals, wash the dishes, straighten up the living room if necessary and handle his physical needs. According to the New York Times in 2008, "There are now more than 3,000 hospice programs in the United States, serving about 900,000 patients a year." I'm sure that number continues rise.

I've provided a link below to a government brochure on everything to do with hospice. I encourage you to read it now while you are healthy and before anyone in your family becomes terminally ill. I knew that Dad didn't want to fight this cancer, so hospice was an immediate choice before he even left the hospital. As a matter of fact, his doctor had hospice call us. This is a common occurrence because when you are met with news this tragic, the last thing you want to do is lift the phone and dial it and the caring medical staff understand this aspect of human shock, grief and suffering.

Dad also has friends in his small town who have stopped by to visit and bring him meals. Up until a few weeks ago, he looked forward to this interaction, but then it became hard to concentrate, eat or be awake. For the past three days he has slept almost the whole day...without pain.

You know, I have been praying that Heavenly Father would have mercy on Dad by taking him quickly and apparently my prayers are getting answered.

This whole experience has happened so quickly.

I'm so glad that shortly after we heard the prognosis, Dad and I said our goodbyes. It is such a comfort now to think back and remember him saying, "I love you" after I told him that "I'm going to miss you a whole lot." Since then, we have cried together on the phone and with each call I have listened to him slip further and further away.

If he lives until Saturday, I will see him alive again. If not, I'll have to wait until it is my time to step out of my body. Somehow it makes my own eventual death not seem so bad any more knowing that he will be there to greet me.

I had a rough time at work today holding it all together. Actually, I didn't hold it together, but hey, this is life and I'm emotional right now. All I can say is thank goodness I have an office door that I can close!

Government PDF Medicare Hospice Benefits
American Medical Association
Medicare
Hospice Foundation of America

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***I was compensated by Nursing Uniforms for reviewing their site and including their online store in this post. However, my opinions are always honest especially since I incorporated their product in a post with an update on my father. Thanks Nursing Uniforms for the opportunity to talk about your product which helps clothe some of the greatest people on earth.
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Dad, Close Your Eyes

You Can Close Your Eyes

Well the sun is surely sinking down
But the moon is slowly rising
So this old world must still be spinning 'round
And I still love you

So close your eyes
You can close your eyes, it's all right
I don't know no love songs
And I can't sing the blues anymore
But I can sing this song
And you can sing this song
When I'm gone

It won't be long before another day
We gonna have a good time
And no one's gonna take that time away
You can stay as long as you like

Only close your eyes
You can close your eyes, it's all right
No, I don't know no love songs
And I can't sing the blues anymore
So, but I can sing this song
Yes, and you can sing this song
When I'm gone

For several years I've tried to convince Dad to come live with me - partly for him and partly for me.

I knew that he would be well taken care of, would experience things he never had the opportunity to do, could know me face-to-face and I would get to capture a lost childhood with him if we shared a roof.

I feel cheated.

It won't happen now because of the cancer that has ravaged Dad's body in a mere few months and as of yesterday, his kidneys are beginning to shut down. The doctor has said that with the high calcium and morphine levels in his body, he will probably die in his sleep peacefully and without pain.

The end is near at hand and I don't want to accept it. I don't want him to suffer or make him linger longer for my own selfish desires, but my father is dying and there isn't anything I can do about it.

The emotion I'm feeling isn't pain...it's agony. I feel as though a part of my heart is being ripped out of my chest. Experiences of times spent together float constantly across my mind giving comfort while also adding pain.

When Dad is gone, I will feel a little lost. The world already suddenly feels bigger and not as kind a place to live.

Even my mother, as close as I am to her, can not provide me with comfort.

My eyes are burning as I try desperately to read the words I've written and my fingers shake with the dreaded inevitability of more sadness when he leaves this frail existence. Dad will find a place far better than this world, but I have to remain on this planet with a huge hole in my heart.

A hole that can't be filled by anyone else.

An ache that has no end.

Missing him.

Remembering him.

So often a desperate feeling will well up inside of me and I will want to beg them to help him...rehydrate his collapsing veins...give him chemotherapy and radiation "just in case" they are wrong...and the thoughts continue, but then I come back to the unselfish daughter. Dad doesn't want those things. All of those procedures would only prolong his agony, not provide him with a quality filled life. He knows that he did not stand even a shred of beating these cancers. If at any point he thought that he could win, he would have been transformed into Rambo, The Terminator and Rocky all wrapped up into one. But that isn't the lot he was given. He made the choices and I don't have the right to take away his freedom to make those choices.

Dad wants to die at home if at all possible. So that is where he lies under the sheets in a big hospital bed which has been placed in the middle of his living room while he continues to slip in and out of reality.

He has been strong and brave through this hell he has suffered. I can only hope that I will emulate this strength when it is my turn to step out of my body.

For now, all I do is think about how lonely I will feel when I can't call or visit Dad. How will I ever be able to drive home each day from work without hearing his voice on the other end of the phone? When I hear a joke, I won't be able to run to the phone and share it with him just so that I can hear him laugh. He won't be there to tell me the same story every couple of months. Dad will not be here on this earth and available to talk to me.

This experience is formidable.

Life is difficult.

The pain I feel at this impending loss is excruciating.

Death feels so final.

This experience gives me a renewed perspective that the things people fight about are often just stupid. "We" meaning spouses, siblings, children, and friends don't have that much time together to share life, so why do we waste it with meaningless arguing and unhappy relationships?

We need to recommit and focus on those things now that are important, not the frivolous items that will eventually turn to dust. No one can take anything with them when they die, but those things we have stored in our minds and hearts can remain forever.

The love we have for each other will prevail.



I love you Dad.

I have always loved you and ached to be with you more.

You are going to be desperately missed, but I won't make you stay.

I know it is your time to go even though I want to desperately hang on your pants leg and beg you not to leave.

I will let you go with all the dignity I can muster.

You can close your eyes...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXxJHk3vWvo&feature=related

With a heavy heart,

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Medical Gowns Are Almost Pointless

Putting on a medical gown that is more open than closed today had a huge part in contributing to my future health.

Let's start by saying, I hate going to the hospital or seeing a doctor for medical reasons. When I'm really, really, really sick, then I'm thankful for their expertise. Otherwise, I try to steer clear of them until it is necessary.

There are two really important facts that make this post even worth reading...

1. I am a woman
2. My dad has two kinds of terminal cancer with a zero cure possibility and is just trying to die with some semblance of dignity

Those are the two reasons that I went to the doctor today.

Early diagnosis of cancer often proves to be one way of eradicating it through removal and treatment to increase the number of years we get to enjoy life, family and friends. That can't happen if you don't visit the doctor. In this case, ignorance is not bliss.

Do you know about comedian Kathy Griffin's latest push to fight cancer? Well, I watched her on television and realized that dramatic actions often can wake people up.

She was dramatic.

With the cameras rolling, Kathy Griffin had a public pap smear to raise cancer awareness and early diagnosis in women. Yes, she did it at pool side with everyone watching. You couldn't see her private parts, but it took place nonetheless.

Although you may not approve of her methods, I know that many women who are fearful of such a procedure before watching her, realized that there was nothing to fear after watching Kathy.

I like her poster and wish that I could plaster a hundred of them on the front of Dad's house.



Images: The Huffington Post
So today while waiting my turn in the doctor's office, I thought about how lucky I am to live in an era where modern medicine can help us to take great care of our bodies. It often solves our problems and helps us to live longer...but not always.

Early detection is the key to ridding the body of many types of cancerous growths.

Ladies, please don a medical gown soon if you haven't had a pap smear in a long time. All the men out there? Yeah, you too need to go have your own kind of exam. Prostate cancer is just as horrible as cervical cancer and can also be detected early. The medical gowns may be almost pointless, but the exams could be life saving.

Dad had prostate cancer years ago. So long ago that I really thought it would never come back. Now that cancer has come back...well, it took over fast and with a vengeance. The doctor said to imagine the spot of cancer on his lung like a flower bud. It grew a little, opened and then let the pollen go all over his body. The pollen that went to his pelvis developed into another kind of cancer.

Rather grim when I think about it, especially since in just a few short months it has taken over his life. He barely can use a walker because his hips are turning into cancer mush. Hospice visits him daily. He is starting to lose weight. The morphine they give him has been increased several times to help with the pain. He has basically lost his appetite and become completely reliant on other people.

The whole thing is just awful for him.

This morning I talked to him a long time before I started work. He sounded so sick and yet, he still laughed and cracked jokes.

There was nothing different Dad could have done to stop this from happening to him. He was tested every couple of months to make sure he didn't have a recurrence of this horrible disease. The moment the doctor found the cancer was almost the moment it came back.

It is just too strong and aggressive this time.

I still can't cope with the fact that he is only sixty eight years old and that shortly, I won't be able to pick up the phone and call him.

This morning he said, "Be careful driving because if you were to die, I would just crawl in the coffin and let them close me up with you. I just don't want to have to live through this cancer mess."

Kathy Griffin is right.

I want to tell cancer to go suck it too.

It took me a while to reapply my makeup and get my red face to go away so that I could go into work today. But as I walked into the building, I knew that I was going to write this post and say...

Take care of your body now. Don't procrastinate. Enjoy your health and do all you can to enhance the health you have because it could be so much worse.

You could be like Dad.

No hope of enjoying holidays, cooking a new recipe, driving to Virginia to visit me again or seeing grandchildren married and having babies.

I don't know how long he has left to live, but I don't want him to suffer any more and I pray that he will go quickly. Thank you all for continued prayers on his behalf. Your overwhelming support during this most awful time of grief is very much appreciated and so much more than you can imagine.

Go have your exams.

Do it for you.

Do it for your posterity.

Do it for everyone like Dad who have only a short time left on this planet.

Just do it.








No, I did not get vagazzled,

My mother is saying, "What is vagazzled?"

I think I hear my phone ringing now and I'm sure it is her.

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