Men's Meme - Stress

It's that time again to have some questions answered from a man's point of view. The topic for the Men's Meme at Families Again is listed below. My husband, Tom's comments will be in BLUE:

How do you deal with stress? Is there really a good way to do it? Is there a Biblical way? Is there a medical way?

My first instinct is to lash out, yell, isolate - flight or fight. No one is surprised any more to find that stress is a leading cause of disease and leads to high blood pressure, heart attacks and relationship problems.

Biblical remedies require a soft heart, humility and self honesty. Those are difficult conditions for a raging, stressed individual. Gospel practices or remedies are best used on a regular preventive basis with regular prayer, meditation, scripture study, worship and song. This is often referred to as "putting on the full armor."

Thank you for your input Tom. His take reminded me of Maxine's take on stress...



Stress is a huge issue with me, so I know a little bit about it since I'm a worrier. Before you can treat stress, you have to first recognize and identify the source.

The best way to reduce stress is to try to prevent it. Here are a few tips:

Time management: Create a schedule and a To Do List with tasks listed in order of importance. Avoid filling every minute of every day. Allow time for relaxation.

Health: Practice good health by exercising, getting plenty of rest, limiting alcohol intake, stop smoking and eat healthy food.

Coping mechanisms: Talk. Don't keep your feelings bottled up so that you blow up at intervals. Be assertive in protecting your right to not be stressed by others. Communicate your feelings with family, friends, religious leaders and/or a psychologist. Ignore negative comments and people.

Change: Step back and look at the whole picture. Understand that everything changes and you can only control your own actions. Say "no" when necessary for self-preservation. Walk away from volatile situations that try to draw you into drama. Focus on the positive.

Ask: When you need help, ask for it. Strengthen friendships. Not only will it help when you are in need, but it will help enrich your life now.

Relax: Take time to relax. Try new relaxation methods to keep your stress level lower. Treat the time committed to relaxing as important as any other appointment you make for a doctor, dentist or job.

What is my secret for handling stress, you ask?



I think that pretty much sums it up, don't you?

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Men's Meme - Woman's Impact

It's that time again to have some questions answered from a man's point of view. The topic for the Men's Meme at Families Again is listed below. My husband, Tom's comments will be in BLUE:

Who is the woman that has made the most impact in your life and why?

Not just because I'm married to the typist of this post, but in fact, I would have to honestly say that as we approach our fifth anniversary, The Redhead Riter has made the greatest contribution to my life in many ways, more so than any other man or woman.

The Redhead Riter is an honest soul that speaks her mind freely, which I perceive as bluntly without regard to my sensitive nature. Understand that I mean this in a positive way because without assertive, directive communication with a partner, I am a loose cannon. Were it not for this characteristic, she would be subservient, enabling and rescuing as others have been.

My reaction to this brand of partnering is at once maddening, intimidating, and constructive. For example, she has, in the words of Goethe, "Pummeled me to the far shore..." which has done more to further my career than any other experience including my three college degrees. Without her, all that sheepskin would be for naught.

More important than my career, is my character or until now, lack thereof. Don't misunderstand, I have always been overall a good man with good values and a desire to do right things. However, until I met The Redhead Riter, I lived on an island of mediocrity. I lived a double standard where I asked far more of others than I gave of myself. Selfishness and self-centeredness were at the root of my many shortcomings and conflicts with others resulting in several failed relationships.

In closing, please don't mistake me for being out of the woods yet. My life with The Redhead Riter goes forward one day at a time with a promise of love, but no other guarantees. Pray for me.

Hmmmmm...I am speechless. Yeah, believe it. I think I will have this post printed and framed to hang on my living room wall.

(The Redhead Riter just fainted)

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Men's Meme - For The Wife

It's that time again to have some questions answered from a man's point of view. The topic for the Men's Meme is somet Tom's answers and comments will be in BLUE:

What do you think are the most important things a husband can do for his wife?

First reaction to the question: I'm so much the wrong guy to ask that question. (deep sigh) If I were a good husband and when I am, I place my sweetheart's needs and schedule ahead of my own, quick to help without being asked, carry my weight financially, complete housekeeping chores without being asked and assist with child rearing/steering responsibilities. (Excuse me while I go find a sharp piece of glass now.)


Obvious by Tom's short answer, he doesn't like this question very much. I think this is an important question for a couple to answer together because marriage is supposed to be a companionship.

I have a million things to do each day or so it feels that way. No one has to tell me the chores that need to be completed. I just know that meals need to be prepared, laundry washed, etc. I do not, however, think that all the chores should be mine to accomplish nor that I should have to ask my husband to help. A marriage is a companionship and thus the work should be divided. Husbands know that:

• they eat off plates and wear clothes that need to be washed,
• walk on floors that need to be vacuumed,
• drive cars that need gas pumped into them,
• walk in yards that need to be mowed,
• bathe in bathrooms that need to remain clean
• ...etc. etc. etc. (sounds like Yul Brynner in the movie "The King and I")

I'm sure you get the picture. Men are able to go to job that includes a long list of responsibilities and, guess what? They are successful! Their wives are not at the workplace to ask or tell them what to do and the men still succeed. I think this proves the point that men are highly intelligent beings and do not need their wives telling them what to do all the time! If a man isn't pulling his share of the responsibility at home, it is simply because he doesn't want to do so. It really is that simple.

I don't think there is a law that says, "When the woman has worked all day long, she must come home and work until her head hits the pillow at night while her husband just watches television and enjoys the fruits of all her labors." Didn't that end with Archie Bunker? I still feel sorry for Edith.


If marriage is a companionship, a team, a loving couple working toward mutual goals, then the work and the fun should be divided equitably. This doesn't become an issue when there is mutual respect, caring, love, support and unselfishness. It doesn't sound hard, but obvious by the rate of divorce, it is harder than it appears.

Depending on the husband...If we tell our husbands what to do, we are nags. If we don't tell them what to do, they do nothing. Where is that fine line? I don't have the answer.

What I do know is this...

If a man puts God first and serves Him faithfully, the relationship with his wife is more respectful, loving and kind. When men feel that they must answer to God, they become more humble and less prideful. If a man truly honors God, then honoring his wife is a given.

On the flip side, women can't expect the impossible from their husbands either. The golden rule or ethic of reciprocity really does apply here - Treat your husband the way you want him to treat you.

I don't think you really want him to nag you day in and day out.

If we want a relationship like "The Notebook", we have to be willing to practice total unselfishness. Do you agree? I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject.

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Men's Meme - Make-up, Hair and Shaving

It's that time again to have some questions answered from a man's point of view. The topic for the Men's Meme is something I think women know, but find it hard to believe the answers that men give because we are extremely critical of ourselves. Tom's answers and comments will be in BLUE:

How do you feel about women wearing/not wearing make-up, having their hair perfect/not perfect and legs shaved/not shaved?

As if any woman will believe this, and I know because I have told or tried to reassure a few, this kind of hygienic obsession and anxiety with make-up, hair and shaving is energy poorly spent. When a man loves a woman, that's who he loves...the person. None of the trappings that may have intrigued him in those early days are necessary to hold his interest and passion once he has fallen. Nonetheless, I realize that this point of view and its reassuring intention falls upon deaf ears along side nicely rouged cheeks and between well coiffed locks. With that said and meant, silky, smooth legs and thighs are nice.

Regardless of Tom's opinion, I never leave the house without my make-up applied and hair neatly arranged. My legs and arm pits never look like this either, but I do understand that it isn't as big a deal to him as it is to me. Have you ever met a man who likes to wait while you "put on your face" or fix your hair? A man usually just plops a baseball cap on his head and leaves. I know that some men do not share his opinion, but the majority of his gender find the girl next door more appealing and that is the woman they fall in love with and marry.

I have found that women put pressure on themselves and each other to look good at all times. Why? I do not know the answer to this question. I do know that on days that I stay home and no one is coming over, I love to have a face void of make-up, wear my snowflake or cupcake jammies with a head full of rebellious curls like Medusa.



Women do not have to wear certain clothes or weigh a minuscule amount in order to be loved and neither do men. I do the extras because it makes me feel like a prettier woman. I'm able to camouflage my flaws, cover my flab and walk proudly with my neatly arranged curls and smiling painted face. Just as women love to see a man looking dapper in a suit and tie, men also love to see a woman finely coiffed and hanging on his arm like a prize sometimes too.

Bottom line is that men will love us without our name brand purse, shoes, clothes, make-up or hairdo. How would that leave us? Ummmmm...in our birthday suit and we know that men do not have a problem with that apparel. Don't you agree?

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Men's Meme - Getting Old

It's that time again to have some questions answered from a man's point of view. The topic for the Men's Meme at Families Again is a little depressing. I'm not sure if age phases him though, so we will see what he has to say. His comments will be in BLUE:

How do you feel about getting old? Do you relish it? Hate the thought? Are you somewhat scared? Give me your thoughts.

I do like relish, but not in this context. I'm surprised to hear myself say what I have been thinking more often than not - I'm tired. I don't have the energy for fear nor the promise of loss of good fortune and good health upon which fear is based.

If I had the energy, I'd be depressed. I had more than my share of near death experiences early in life and so, I have more gratitude perhaps than most people. I have not always been good, but I've had a good life and so I'm good to go.




The years teach much
which the days never knew.~Ralph Waldo Emerson~







I'm just going to be blunt because I'm pretty good at it. I hate getting older. I can't believe I'm already this age! Looking in the mirror is not fun any more and since I have to do it every day to put on my make-up and dry my hair, there seems to be no escape.

The other day I was in a conversation about breasts, but we said boobs. We were expressing how so many women have pain because their breasts are too large. I'll take their boobs! I also remember when I was nursing Alyssa for eighteen months. Nursing women have beautiful milk-filled breasts and I was no exception to the rule. In this conversation I said, "I loved my boobs! I looked at them all the time because I knew that once I stopped nursing, they would disappear." I was not perverted either. I just appreciate a nice looking pair of breasts like the next person. Not only can't I believe it was so long ago, but I remember my body was so young and beautiful seventeen years ago. I am not conceited, but my body then compared to now is a drastic difference and I miss it.

Appearance isn't the only thing that I have watched change. My health is also dramatically different. My body decided to break down a little here and there making the pharmacist one of my best friends. I can't just jump a hedge in the lawn or leap across a huge puddle either. I often try, but the results are usually not pretty if I succeed with "if" being the main word. I wake up with aches, pains and creaks that did not used to be in my body. Ugh!

I remember my grandmother being the age that I am now. My family is young and everyone, except for me, seemed to have babies very young. The advantage is that I remember everyone without wrinkles or gray hair. They were also filled with energy. My grandfather used to play basketball and horseshoes with me after he mowed a very large yard with a push lawn mower. That was after he had already tended a very large garden. He was young! Now, I am older than he was back then and seem to have far less energy, so that is a double ugh!

I also fear getting older. What is going to happen to me if I get really sick? My mother will not live forever no matter how much I wish it to be true, so she isn't going to be around to take care of me like she did when I was a young child. I can't count on my husband because not only is he much older than me, but he won't even pick up his own mess now so I can't imagine him taking care of a woman with deteriorated vitality. I don't want to be a burden to my daughter, although she will probably be really mad at me for even saying that because she already told me not to worry. But what if she gets married to someone that hates me? Yeah, I'm pretty much a basket case.

Finally, the thought of dying is terrible. My grandparents, all of them, died very slowly. It was horrible! I remember praying every night for God to please let my grandmother leave this mortal existence because she was suffering so terribly. I do not want to suffer! I do not want pain! I do not want to leave my daughter!

I guess I have sufficiently depressed myself and you, but that wasn't my intention. The more I thought about this question today, the more it bothered me. I know that coming to this earth, gaining a body, growing and making choices, and eventually dying is the plan. I just don't like it. I can't change it, but I don't like how it has to decline and then end. The only thing that actually keeps me from being completely depressed to the depths of misery when I think about dying is my testimony of Christ. I know that some day we will all be joined with our families, but the time and trials between then and now is often overwhelming.




"Death is not
the greatest loss in life.
The greatest loss
is what dies inside us
while we live."~Norman Cousins~

To cheer myself up after writing this and for you after reading this, go here and here and here, but don't forget to tell me how you feel about dying too.

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Men's Meme - Medications

It's that time again to have some questions answered from a man's point of view. The topic for the Men's Meme at Families Again this week is a hot topic for some, so let's see how Tom feels about this issue. His comments will be in BLUE:

What do you think about medications for ADHD, depression and other types like them? Are they over-prescribed? Do you think that we should be totally reliant on God and not use such things?

This is actually a very common dilemma faced in treating ADHD, depression and other types of physical illnesses of any age. As with all such medical and psychological treatment choices, it is best put to the research method in determining the best approach. This method is fundamental in the diagnostic and treatment process.

First, have you petitioned God for help relieving this malady? Have you felt impressed to:

(a) rely on faith in the matter,
(b) seek medical/psychiatric intervention or help, or
(c) take some other course of remedial action?

In each, what have been the outcomes? Lacking clinical experience, this might be the approach you or someone else would take to search out an answer. And that is by definition the nature of the scientific method: experiment, observe, draw conclusions.

While God is characterized as The Great Physician and Healer, and can provide divine intervention, He does not operate a pharmacy. Antidepressants, stimulants, and psychotropics are the first line of treatment for the conditions set forth in the question. If your prayers and spiritual remedies have been effective, fine. Continue with that course of treatment. If not, begin a pharmaceutical regimen. This may require some trial and error to arrive at the correct medication(s) and/or dose. There are many from which to choose. Be patient and prayerful in this endeavor as well.

Obviously, I know that depression is a major issue and many people including some in my extended family suffer from this condition. With the recommended medication(s), I know that these people can function normally and their depression is not excessive. By excessive I mean that they no longer feel like committing suicide.

Chemical depression is very different than situational depression. Chemical depression afflicts the individual all the time during all of life's circumstances, and usually remains a problem their entire life. In this instance, medication helps "fix" the chemical imbalance within the brain. Situational depression is just like it sounds - due to a particular unhappy or stress-filled situation. This type of depression usually goes away when the unhappy or stress-filled situation is over, but some people may still need proper medication in order to cope with the stress (i.e. death, divorce, cheating spouse, loss of employment, etc.).

With that said, I think that using the knowledge and treatment measures from new medical discoveries is a blessing of living in this era. I also believe that God wants us to use our intelligence and wisdom when we make choices. If we are not afflicted with medical problems and go to the doctor just to receive drugs, then that is wrong. If, however, we need help with any medical condition, going to the doctor and receiving treatment (medication included) is a privilege many people in other countries are not able to enjoy.

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Men's Meme - Late Life Pregnancy

It's that time again to have some questions answered from a man's point of view. The topic for the Men's Meme at Families Again is rather humorous. I am laughed when I first read it since it was based on my post last week. Tom is going to answer the question tonight, so you will all see how he feels about the whole issue. His comments will be in BLUE:

What would you do if your kids were grown and your wife told you that she thought...more than thought...was pretty sure that she was pregnant?

Well, I'd be more than just a little excited for so many reasons not the least of which is that I have (including my stepchild Alyssa) seven living children already. I had ten and lost three along the way. Since I'm not a woman and don't personally have to endure any health hazards, I would respond as I always have...with a hardy hail, "Yeah!"

To be honest, I'm not the least bit surprised at Tom's answer. I know Tom thinks he is Adam in the Garden of Eden with a goal of populating the whole world. Did I just say that about my husband?

As you probably already know, I have dreaded the empty nest syndrome from almost the moment Alyssa was born. I love being a mother and if I'm totally honest, I find true joy in being needed. Nothing is so sweet as the sound of Alyssa's voice saying from the other room saying, "Mo-om, can you come here a second? I need you."

Ahhhh. Those words are music to my ears and lift my soul to a supernal state of joy and happiness.

I had always hoped for more children and have been sad that it never happened. Nothing is better than the unconditional love of a child. Nothing feels as good as tiny arms wrapped tightly around my neck. Nothing is as fulfilling to me than being a mother.

When I was pregnant, before I knew the gender of my child, I received one little baby boy's outfit. Of course, it never got used because Alyssa was a girl It still hangs on a tiny hanger in my closet at the end of all my clothes. It's blue and white with little feet in it.

Snuggly like a baby.

Many times, all alone, I have taken it down and wondered what it would have been like to have another child. If my cup already overflows with Alyssa, I can not comprehend the euphoria of an additional baby.

Tiny feet.

Little fingers.

Dimples.

Toys.

Teething.

Firsts.

Scraped knees.

Blankies.

Smudges on the windows.

Doctor visits.

Cutting food into small pieces.

Sippy cups.

Diapers.

Soft hairbrushes.

Pink baby lotion.

Car seats.

Nursing.

Naps.

The list is almost endlessly filled with the things that make having a child delightful. The problem is my health and age are not prime for growing new life. The desire for a baby, however,...

will always be there...

a feeling that doesn't go away...

to feel the small life growing within is a heavenly experience.


I remember ever second.

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Men's Meme - Negative In Marriage

Tom did not want to disrupt the peacefulness of today with a controversial Men's meme question, so the one he answered is below and his comments will be in BLUE:

What is the biggest negative in being married?

Hmmmm...That's a loaded question! Sure hope he's not sleeping in the dog house tonight.

(checking the temperature to see if he will freeze to death tonight outside)

Marriage is a wonderful opportunity for companionship and affection. These objectives are often postponed or paused by conflicts arising from fear, anger, pride and selfishness. Learning how to negotiate and make compromises can be difficult, even impossible for some, but success can bring you and your mate back into the sunlight, onto solid ground and happiness.

Coming up on my fifth anniversary with my wife (who thought it was the fourth) I would say we have a better than even chance at improving these negotiating and compromising skills to the extent of an increasingly happier lifetime together.

At the end of the day, I would have to say, that accepting her proposal the smartest choice and decision of my life. She is indeed witty, intelligent, addictive and a lovely wife and mother.

Thank you Tom! Those were the sweetest words you have had me type for you yet! Maybe I should stop typing and give him a kiss.

I'll be right back---Just give me a second.

♪ ♫ music used on Jeopardy when the contestants are thinking of an answer to write ♫ ♪

Okay, so it was a longer kiss than I expected. I guess his love bucket fell and he felt smooshy, gushy with me today. I like that aspect of marriage! I won't say anything else about THAT until a later posting.

So, what do I think is the biggest negative about marriage?

(tapping fingers lightly on chair arm)

Hmmm...that's tough. I like being a wife.

I like belonging to someone and all that entails.

I like giving and taking care of a husband and a family.

But if I have to choose an aspect that I do not like, it would be "the clean factor". I will explain what I mean...I like everything clean and in order. You know, a place for everything and everything in it's place concept. Tom is not that concerned with how things look or their cleanliness, but likes me to clean up after him. See the disparity? I think we disagree and argue about this one issue more than any other.

Silly, don't you think?

My goal over the next two months is to clean out all my stored items, some of which have not seen the light of day for ten years.

Pathetic!

I can't believe it has been tucked away in boxes that long.

Let's see if Tom's assistance in this massive undertaking will increase his feelings of love. I'll have to let you know because the number of boxes we have to sort through would be overwhelming to the most patient man.

Did I just imply that Tom wasn't patient?

(quietly laughing)

MwahTom ♥!

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Men's Meme - Health Care

It's that time again to have some questions answered from a man's point of view. The topic for the Men's Meme at Families Again are "Hot Topic" questions. Tom is too eager to talk about this topic today. His comments will be in BLUE:

What do you think? Is this new health care reform good for our country? Do you agree with one of the above point of views? Why or why not?

I didn't even have to ask him to come in to share his answer, but instead I had to tell him to give me a second to get the page ready.

I agree with MY point of view which is that of a clinical director in the health care industry. Health care should be sought according to the following three benchmarks:

1. Quality
2. Accessibility
3. Affordability

In comparison to every uninformed opinion "that is to say anyone that has not read the hundreds of pages of whatever bill did pass in the House...good luck in the Senate", the above three criteria are presently moreover met giving rise to the adage "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." Applied to our present economic nightmare, the question is what can we possibly fix since we're broke already?!

In short, you get what you pay for. We're lucky to have the health care providers that dare operate in the perilous quagmire that is our present system (i.e. insurance companies playing doctor and charging doctors userous malpractice insurance premiums--go figure).

Does the expression "Already being ripped off by the above stated conflict of interest" get to the point more quickly?

Hmmm...yeah. Thanks, but no thanks Congress.

Thank you Tom.

I do not know everything in the health care bill, but have received many emails from friends who are for or against the whole thing. I think it is ridiculous that every bill, health care or otherwise, has so many non-related items attached. As far as the health care bill goes...I am completely against it if just one of the following is true:

1. My taxes pay for illegal aliens to get anything, health care included. Try to remember that my family were farmers through the generations and went without many things. My point is that NOBODY gave them anything for free. They worked hard for it and they were not in this country illegally.

2. The government is going to be in charge of health care the same way they have bombed leading the welfare system.

3. The government will force anyone to buy anything because this whole concept goes against the foundation of free agency and commerce in a democratic system.

I find the whole political system to be extremely corrupt and it produces fear and anxiety within me for our future as a country. I love our freedom and am so thankful for all the men and women who have died to preserve our rights as a free nation. I pray that good will prevail and God will be with us regardless of corruption within our government.

May we forever be free.

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Men's Meme - Relationships

It's that time again to have some questions answered from a man's point of view. Tom is excited about resuming his profession tomorrow and ready to get everything accomplished including this posting! Now that's a change! His comments will be in BLUE:

Do you think people have become too cop happy these days? What happened to working out neighborly disputes between ourselves? I know times have changed, but have they changed that much? Am I missing something?

"I can tell you are ready to answer those questions, so go ahead."

"Last year a neighbor went too far. They had been noisy for as long as we knew them. On one occasion, my wife very politely asked for their courtesy to reduce what had become a public disturbance at all hours of the day or night. Her respectful request was met with abusive language and posturing from he and his wife.

I heard this foul conduct and exploded toward their home ready to defend my wife as necessary. He dismissed my demand with threats while his wife cheered him on. I was stopped short by my wife's reminder of appropriate behavior. I am still surprised that I did not follow through with getting satisfaction.

On the next of many such annoying disturbances we simply called the police. As it turned out, that was the end of our combative contacts. They moved away shortly thereafter. I consider myself to be adept at negotiating for peaceful neighbor relations and in another similar circumstance, I may well achieve that result. However, this was clearly best handled by the police.

I must say, I was quite shocked and taken aback at our neighbor's behavior, so the whole experience is rather foggy and best forgotten. I just wanted to go back home after having him curse so violently at me as his answer to my one reasonable request.

All I can say is I'm glad they moved because the unexpected vicious attack really scared me. I just want to forget it ever happened.


Have you ever had neighborly problems? If so, what happened and how did you handle it?

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Men's Meme - Poverty and Wealth

Tom has another question to answer for the Families Again Men's Meme as soon as he can tear himself way from his keyboard, computer and ear phones. He will sit there with these big things covering his ears and tell me that he can hear me "just fine" when I'm talking to him. Oh boy. When he finally gets out here his comments will be in BLUE:

Can a person be so blinded by their wealth that they miss the poverty of the world? And, if so, what can they do about it?

"So are you ready to answer that question?"

"Yes...The love of money, being the root of all evil according to many, is much like other committed love wherein one forsakes all others in their romantic "pursuit". Quite naturally impoverished situations would be unattractive and avoided if not ignored by a very wealthy person.

Philanthropy is unusual. For example, ironically, according to the U.S. News and World Report, December, 1991, the poorest households gave 5.5% opposed to the 2.9% by the wealthiest households. Could it be that the wealthiest lack a degree of humility leading to compassion that results in charitable giving?

July 2006, from The Age, reported "that the world's second-richest man is giving his money away to the world's richest man points to significant shifts in the business of corporate largesse.

Warren Buffett's decision to donate 10 million Class B shares in his holding company, Berkshire Hathaway, worth $US37 billion ($A49.8 billion) at today's prices, to help Bill Gates run the world's biggest philanthropic foundation, reflects changes in expectations and approaches to philanthropy."

However, this picture illustrates the vast difference in the distribution of wealth in the world and it just shouldn't be this way.


I do not have special criticism towards Mariah Carey and I love her singing voice, but the picture of her closet with numberless pairs of shoes helps to visualize the dramatic comparison between the amount of money spent on her shoes while others starve to death.

Whatever you say, please do not justify this type of wealth distribution with "it's just business" because starving to death should not be business. What happened to humanity?

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Men's Meme - Love At First Sight

The Men's meme question answered by Tom is below and his comments will be in BLUE:

How do you feel about love at first sight?

Being an expert in many things and certainly a legend in my own mind, I'm not afraid to answer this question...Well, I'll give it a try.


Love, being the operative word, requires a definition. Energy resulting from "love" can lead to life's greatest joy or crimes of passion. Few other experiences are as widely published and eagerly pursued.

So for definition let's characterize love (in it's broadest sense to include lovers, children, friends, and inanimate interests such as chocolate) as that rare emotion that can motivate one to place another's well being ahead of their own.

That degree of selflessness flies in the face of the next most noble and popular attitude...enlightened self-interest.

This altruistic experience of love can not be had upon first sight. It is only upon a structure of trust, above a foundation of understanding and acquaintance, that true love is born.

That said, titillating first impressions are a good start and may swiftly result in love.


In couple relationships, I believe that love at first sight is simply lust. Love is an emotion that takes time to cultivate and that is done by communication during shared experiences. It is not only wonderful, but necessary to find each other physically appealing, but there has to be more to build on than just lustful physical longings. When the new fascination is over, there needs to be other common elements between the couple which provides opportunities to grow mentally and spiritually in one purpose. Without other commonalities, lust will eventually fade leaving emptiness in it's wake. Lust is not love, however, love can lust.

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Men's Meme - Arguing

The Men's meme question answered by Tom is below and his comments will be in BLUE:

How often do you argue? In what manner and for how long do you carry on an argument with your spouse, companion or partner?

This is fodder for a dissertation. It really does have the substance and potential for observation, tests, and measures among an unlimited population. This would reveal the ingredients of a happy or unhappy relationship. That said, my answer is several times a week our points of view, interests, needs, wants and desires collide. The word tumultuous comes to mind. I have never seriously entertained a breakup even though I become defensive, prideful, stubborn, insulting, ferocious, and loud.

I try unsuccessfully to take breaks from these battles, nonetheless they can last for hours and we can revisit the same issues for years. Is gold the precious metal of a 50th anniversary?!

At the risk of being political incorrect (well, chauvinist), I'm married to a redhead.

Obviously, his last statement basically says it all. He is definitely a chauvinist and extremely set in his ways. But let me start at the beginning...

He hated and refused to answer the two questions for the usual men's meme. I should have taken that as an omen to his grumpiness because they were great questions. So then it came time to ask a question he did want to answer. I chose a question about sex and he just wouldn't hear of answering it. He wasn't in the mood. Isn't that just a priceless answer?

Next, we finally agree on the question above after a somewhat heated discussion about my sex question. It really was a good question.

I will also answer the above question with brutal honesty which seems to be my "redheaded" trait that so often chafes Tom's ego.

We don't just disagree, we argue. There are several reasons it isn't a discussion with the top two being:

1. I am not a subservient "yes" wife that caters to my husband. Tom comes from the generation where that was the accepted norm and in his previous relationships, his word was the law. That is the chauvinist, selfish part of his character. I refuse to conform so you can imagine the sparks that do fly.
2. Tom is overly defensive.

Do you remember the posting I did on the spoon method of talking to one another? It just about kills Tom. He does fine while he is talking...on and on and on and on, but when it is my turn to speak, he wants me to hurry up and interrupts. That usually ruins my train of thought and just makes me more frustrated!

Tom tries to say I am "stubborn" to justify his own stubbornness. I am only stubborn when I am 100% correct and not being unreasonable. For instance, if I say that my feelings are hurt, that is not being stubborn! That issue isn't even debatable. I am the only one that knows how I feel. If I disagree with him, Tom immediately goes for the stubborn attack. If that doesn't work to get his way, he goes to the three things that totally incite me to boiling anger...redheads can boil. Those three things are:

1. Are you menstruating?
2. Maybe you should take a water pill.
3. You're obviously a redhead.

I find all three to be disgustingly insulting which is why he says them. Tom only goes for the woman digs because he wants his way! (Being politically incorrect - Isn't that just like a man!) Then I get my feelings hurt and cry.(Also politically incorrect - Isn't that just like a woman!) Don't you hate crying? If Tom hurts my feelings and makes me cry, the next thing that happens is I get angrier. As you can see, it becomes a vicious cycle.

We have been married for a little over four years and I dare say, that we have to continually work towards peace and compromise. Do I believe in a right way to disagree? Oh yes! I think that if both partners are willing to put aside their own selfish desires and think of their partner FIRST (walk in another's shoes concept), a peaceful solution can always be attained without insults, hurt feelings or anger.


How do you handle disagreements and arguments?

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